This post comes entirely from hearsay in the pub!!

Dear Readers, this post comes entirely from hearsay in the pub because last
Friday (June 12th, 2011) I went to Westminster Cathedral to the ordination of
five former Anglican vicars to the Ordinariate. This is a special ministry invented
by the current Pope, Benedict, otherwise known as the Panzerkardinal. This ministry
allows Anglican vicars, even if they are married, to be fast-tracked into the
Roman Catholic Church. This is despite the tinsy-weensy problem that the Universal
Church exacts a rule of celibacy from normal Catholic priests. Did I say normal?
I should have said real Catholic priests.

In any event, the two hour service started at 5.30pm so no way could I get to the game but I could amble along to the pub to get the post-mortem. The game ended
4-3 after the winning team was losing 1-3 at one stage. Apparently, there was
a bit of hand-bags between Big Dave and Boro Dave (the clash of the Daves).
If I was there I could have put my conflict resolution skills to good use
(I have not really got any!!). I don't even know if Spizz played or not.

I hope to play tonight (I have'nt been rotated yet!!) and I hope to get a three quid
discount on a) my bipolar disorder, b) my cancer, c)nobody passes to me and d)
a small honorarium for doing the blogs, although I would share the specific element
of the discount with Gooner Simon, who does excellent blogs.

Next week is our last game before the summer break and I think we are going to
some new American burger joint in Hoxton, which will be a change. Usually for
any end-of-season meals we tend to go to a curry and then complain it was a load of rubbish.

Last week saw a pulsating 2-2 draw!!

For the first time the Spizz irregulars managed to pick two matched and fair sides. It was a bit hot and sunny with Danny the
Diplomat actually playing with a baseball hat in the second half when we changed ends; an event which young Sam described as unprecedented!!

The first goal came when Mick K. with pure Brummie skill drove a rising left-foot shot early from a free-kick pass. It was a wonderful goal only marred by the fact that Mick did not come to the pub afterwards to talk it through. One factor was that I was Mick's marker and should have been a lot tighter.

This goal came after a long period at 0-0. We came storming back with Alex getting the equaliser with a bouncing shot while Danny got us ahead with a lovely long-range
shot. Perhaps we could have secured a convincing win if Joe had his shooting boots on but at least he got into the positions. I set him up in a central position and Joe could have chosen left or right but it was not to be. Big Ian said I had bottled it and should have got a shot off. However, Joe was in the far better position and
I had my back to goal.

The equaliser came dramatically when Stevie A. was judged to have played the ball in the area. What happened was the ball bounced off his head when he was standing on the penalty spot. His brother Big Dave said that no way it was a penalty while Big Ian commented that he did not believe a word the Ayr United supporter said
(about close football decisions). Yev strolled up and slotted the penalty in the top corner.

Spizz is playing in North London this Saturday check the website www.spizzenergi.com
while my local cafe is holding an art exhibition Saturday June 25th. This is
Chase Lounge, which is located at 129 Chase Side, Enfield, EN2 6NN.

Still no luck on the discount but the last match of the season is on June 24th and maybe I will have better luck in September.

20/05/2011: 2-2

A more competitive game this week, with last week’s mathematically challenging encounter a distantly weird memory. The team in colours took a two goal lead through Yev, back from his travels, before the side in bibs rallied to make it two apiece, both strikes coming through Alex who clearly hadn’t let Stoke’s FA Cup final defeat dent his confidence. 2-2 it finished, making it an easier game to report on. Dave A had stayed in goal for most of the game, urging on a team including his brother, Joe – who contrived to miss a hatshop full of chances (including one where he managed to put Simon Gas on his arse before coming over all Arsenal and overegging the pudding) – as well as Danny, Geoff, myself and the aforementioned Yev, who was also slightly profligate in front of goal.

The team in bibs boasted a twin strike force of Ross and Spizz – roll n rock, if you will – although their goals came from Alex in midfield. The rest of the bibbed team comprised Ian Geary, Hugh, Simon Gas and Simon Inkpen.

More busty barmaids in the Old Fountain’s head this week, as you’d expect with Summer hurtling towards us. From what I could gather, the post-match talk centred around Arsenal’s future chances of success without a change of manager, West Ham’s relegation and the fact Yev’s wife no longer buys him beer because they are married. Them’s the breaks, as they say.

Quantum Football

Following a four week hiatus as a result of Royal Weddings, religious holidays and visits to Cornish in-laws I returned to the Friday night football fray last week to see the newly svelte(ish) form of Spizz for the first time since September; the Prodigal Punk returns. Spizz took up his customary position of goalhanger centre forward par excellence alongside myself, Steve, Ross, Joe, a denim-clad Mick (looking even more like a Top Gear presenter than usual), Hugh and Keir. Collectively, we made up what is arguably the worst team ever to take the field at Finsbury Leisure Centre.

The final score may have been 11-1; it may also have been anything from 13-1 to 16-1. As you can imagine, it was difficult to pick out one goal in particular, or even one goal scorer. Boro Dave bagged at least two, as, I think, did big Ian. I certainly remember one first time finish from Ian that flew in. I am reliably informed that Alan got four goals, while Danny had to make do with a hat-trick. Frankly, Stephen Hawking would have fancied his chances of getting on the score sheet by the end – there were two goals, one from Danny, which appeared to have defied the laws of physics. Come to think of it, perhaps Stephen Hawking was involved. I tried to tackle Boro Dave as he shaped to shoot only to divert the ball past whichever schmuck happened to be charged with keeping goal for us at the time - I'm not still not sure how. By the end of the game the team in colours had reached a higher state of footballing consciousness; the players had only to conceptualise the notion of a goal using some form of collective mental synchronicity and the ball would zip effortlessly across the pitch and ping off a low flying pigeon, or a defender’s elbow and nestle happily in the corner of the net. Sheer quantum football.

Against this brand of soccer alchemy there was little the team in bibs could do. The one goal we did manage came courtesy of a trademark daisy cutter from, inevitably, Spizz which at least gave the quantum footballers pause for thought, however brief. As the rattle sounded Simon Gas opined that the sides weren’t that unbalanced – perhaps not in terms of the known three dimensions, but given the awesome cognitive power at their disposal it was like trying to down a fighter jet with a spud gun.

Was this a one-off, a once in a generation occurrence akin to the passing of Halley’s comet, or will next Friday see a new array of physic weaponry? Only time, such as it exists, will tell.

We are a couple of match reports behind!

I will try and get Gooner Simon to write up last Friday's match report but we are a couple of reports behind. The previous Friday we lost 6-1 when the opposition led by Gashead Simon and Danny (Liverpool FC) picked the teams. Simon has a blacklist of players he won't play with, although he might deny it. This selection policy led to a mismatch and Big Sam complained during the game that a lot of his colleagues could not trap a bag of cement. We could have got a few goals back if it was not for a couple of horrendous misses while Big Dave also missed a penalty when he hit the underside of the bar and the ball bounced out.

Spizz was again absent through injury but the star performer was probably Will, who combines pace with a willingness to make the right pass. He is not a regular player but obviously Gashead Simon had Will on his side.

Sorry about the delayed post!!

The last game before the Good Friday and Royal Wedding breaks saw my team sliced
open by Alan Morg. while their defence was well-marshalled by Mick K. I did not really
get into the game but at least the kit is washed for tomorrow's turnout. Still missing
Spizz!!
We had Big Dave and Alex play well for us but it took us ages to get on the score sheet
and we eventually ran out 5-1 or 4-1 losers. I realise I should take notes.
Sorry to see Sheffield United relegated and our thoughts are with you, Andy, at this
time.

Are you Tony in disguise?

I have omitted to write anything about the last three Friday night games, although I note that Paul posted something about the dreadful mismatch a few weeks ago which finished 9-2, (Yev doing most of the damage). Given that Gashead Simon has given me the mantle of Team Selector I take full responsibility, although rather like Tottenham in the Bernabeu on Tuesday everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong that week. I wish I’d been on a stag do in Madrid, let’s put it that way. The trauma rendered me wordless for three whole weeks. Sadly, the same cannot be said for ‘Arry Redknapp and his son Jamie, who opined after seeing his father’s team receive a thorough gubbing in Spain that he “knew his Dad fairly well”. I’m sure Mrs Redknapp is pleased to hear that.

The following Friday – I make that March 25^th – saw a seven goal thriller. Unbelievably, I scored the winner for the team in bibs. Asked to talk through the goal afterwards, I said

“I was too tired to run back when yet another failed attack broke down. Then the ball broke to me following a tackle in midfield. There was no-one within 20 foot of me and I kicked the ball past Ian”.

That week saw Ross bag a smart hat-trick, despite Dave A’s usual goalkeeping heroics. All other memories have fizzled away…

Last Friday’s game ended 5-3, if memory serves. Pick of the five goals was a beautiful finish from Mick, who ran across the edge of the D and stabbed the ball into the roof of the net with a nonchalant flick of his right boot. I was in goal at the time and had a wonderful view of the move. Yev, obviously, was also amongst the goals, the best of his haul being a rifled finish from an acute angle after some soft shoe shuffling out on the left.

Alan bagged one for the losing side, gleefully pouncing on a loose ball after I had palmed the ball away from goal. The major news after the game was that Gooner Ian has refused to play on the same side as Alex any more, following allegations that the midfield dynamo won’t pass to him. Ian was so incensed by the lack of service from the Stoke man that he unilaterally decided to play outside left, a role he took to with some aplomb, latching on to a loose through ball to side foot home a first time shot. The goal wasn’t enough to placate the Uxbridge-born man, however, and he remained officially Cheesed Off after the match.

Last Friday was the first game after the clocks went forward and to mark the occasion the boys spent the first hour or so drinking al fresco, before moving inside when the pub had cleared. No sign of Mick’s favourite barmaid this week, although Yev did consider making friends with a Dutch girl as the evening wore on. In other news, Alan, Ian and I discussed the prospects of a London team winning the European Cup for the first time, (a dream I’ve had on behalf of my beloved Arsenal since English teams were readmitted into Europe in 1991). The consensus seemed to be that Chelsea had a great chance – after this week they’ve certainly got a better chance than Arsenal or Tottenham.

Finally, I saw a photo of Croatian legend Robert Prosinecki today (see above). I thought it was eerily reminiscent of a temperamental film director who was playing football with us until fairly recently. I’ll let you be the judge.