20/05/2011: 2-2

A more competitive game this week, with last week’s mathematically challenging encounter a distantly weird memory. The team in colours took a two goal lead through Yev, back from his travels, before the side in bibs rallied to make it two apiece, both strikes coming through Alex who clearly hadn’t let Stoke’s FA Cup final defeat dent his confidence. 2-2 it finished, making it an easier game to report on. Dave A had stayed in goal for most of the game, urging on a team including his brother, Joe – who contrived to miss a hatshop full of chances (including one where he managed to put Simon Gas on his arse before coming over all Arsenal and overegging the pudding) – as well as Danny, Geoff, myself and the aforementioned Yev, who was also slightly profligate in front of goal.

The team in bibs boasted a twin strike force of Ross and Spizz – roll n rock, if you will – although their goals came from Alex in midfield. The rest of the bibbed team comprised Ian Geary, Hugh, Simon Gas and Simon Inkpen.

More busty barmaids in the Old Fountain’s head this week, as you’d expect with Summer hurtling towards us. From what I could gather, the post-match talk centred around Arsenal’s future chances of success without a change of manager, West Ham’s relegation and the fact Yev’s wife no longer buys him beer because they are married. Them’s the breaks, as they say.

Quantum Football

Following a four week hiatus as a result of Royal Weddings, religious holidays and visits to Cornish in-laws I returned to the Friday night football fray last week to see the newly svelte(ish) form of Spizz for the first time since September; the Prodigal Punk returns. Spizz took up his customary position of goalhanger centre forward par excellence alongside myself, Steve, Ross, Joe, a denim-clad Mick (looking even more like a Top Gear presenter than usual), Hugh and Keir. Collectively, we made up what is arguably the worst team ever to take the field at Finsbury Leisure Centre.

The final score may have been 11-1; it may also have been anything from 13-1 to 16-1. As you can imagine, it was difficult to pick out one goal in particular, or even one goal scorer. Boro Dave bagged at least two, as, I think, did big Ian. I certainly remember one first time finish from Ian that flew in. I am reliably informed that Alan got four goals, while Danny had to make do with a hat-trick. Frankly, Stephen Hawking would have fancied his chances of getting on the score sheet by the end – there were two goals, one from Danny, which appeared to have defied the laws of physics. Come to think of it, perhaps Stephen Hawking was involved. I tried to tackle Boro Dave as he shaped to shoot only to divert the ball past whichever schmuck happened to be charged with keeping goal for us at the time - I'm not still not sure how. By the end of the game the team in colours had reached a higher state of footballing consciousness; the players had only to conceptualise the notion of a goal using some form of collective mental synchronicity and the ball would zip effortlessly across the pitch and ping off a low flying pigeon, or a defender’s elbow and nestle happily in the corner of the net. Sheer quantum football.

Against this brand of soccer alchemy there was little the team in bibs could do. The one goal we did manage came courtesy of a trademark daisy cutter from, inevitably, Spizz which at least gave the quantum footballers pause for thought, however brief. As the rattle sounded Simon Gas opined that the sides weren’t that unbalanced – perhaps not in terms of the known three dimensions, but given the awesome cognitive power at their disposal it was like trying to down a fighter jet with a spud gun.

Was this a one-off, a once in a generation occurrence akin to the passing of Halley’s comet, or will next Friday see a new array of physic weaponry? Only time, such as it exists, will tell.

We are a couple of match reports behind!

I will try and get Gooner Simon to write up last Friday's match report but we are a couple of reports behind. The previous Friday we lost 6-1 when the opposition led by Gashead Simon and Danny (Liverpool FC) picked the teams. Simon has a blacklist of players he won't play with, although he might deny it. This selection policy led to a mismatch and Big Sam complained during the game that a lot of his colleagues could not trap a bag of cement. We could have got a few goals back if it was not for a couple of horrendous misses while Big Dave also missed a penalty when he hit the underside of the bar and the ball bounced out.

Spizz was again absent through injury but the star performer was probably Will, who combines pace with a willingness to make the right pass. He is not a regular player but obviously Gashead Simon had Will on his side.

Sorry about the delayed post!!

The last game before the Good Friday and Royal Wedding breaks saw my team sliced
open by Alan Morg. while their defence was well-marshalled by Mick K. I did not really
get into the game but at least the kit is washed for tomorrow's turnout. Still missing
Spizz!!
We had Big Dave and Alex play well for us but it took us ages to get on the score sheet
and we eventually ran out 5-1 or 4-1 losers. I realise I should take notes.
Sorry to see Sheffield United relegated and our thoughts are with you, Andy, at this
time.

Are you Tony in disguise?

I have omitted to write anything about the last three Friday night games, although I note that Paul posted something about the dreadful mismatch a few weeks ago which finished 9-2, (Yev doing most of the damage). Given that Gashead Simon has given me the mantle of Team Selector I take full responsibility, although rather like Tottenham in the Bernabeu on Tuesday everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong that week. I wish I’d been on a stag do in Madrid, let’s put it that way. The trauma rendered me wordless for three whole weeks. Sadly, the same cannot be said for ‘Arry Redknapp and his son Jamie, who opined after seeing his father’s team receive a thorough gubbing in Spain that he “knew his Dad fairly well”. I’m sure Mrs Redknapp is pleased to hear that.

The following Friday – I make that March 25^th – saw a seven goal thriller. Unbelievably, I scored the winner for the team in bibs. Asked to talk through the goal afterwards, I said

“I was too tired to run back when yet another failed attack broke down. Then the ball broke to me following a tackle in midfield. There was no-one within 20 foot of me and I kicked the ball past Ian”.

That week saw Ross bag a smart hat-trick, despite Dave A’s usual goalkeeping heroics. All other memories have fizzled away…

Last Friday’s game ended 5-3, if memory serves. Pick of the five goals was a beautiful finish from Mick, who ran across the edge of the D and stabbed the ball into the roof of the net with a nonchalant flick of his right boot. I was in goal at the time and had a wonderful view of the move. Yev, obviously, was also amongst the goals, the best of his haul being a rifled finish from an acute angle after some soft shoe shuffling out on the left.

Alan bagged one for the losing side, gleefully pouncing on a loose ball after I had palmed the ball away from goal. The major news after the game was that Gooner Ian has refused to play on the same side as Alex any more, following allegations that the midfield dynamo won’t pass to him. Ian was so incensed by the lack of service from the Stoke man that he unilaterally decided to play outside left, a role he took to with some aplomb, latching on to a loose through ball to side foot home a first time shot. The goal wasn’t enough to placate the Uxbridge-born man, however, and he remained officially Cheesed Off after the match.

Last Friday was the first game after the clocks went forward and to mark the occasion the boys spent the first hour or so drinking al fresco, before moving inside when the pub had cleared. No sign of Mick’s favourite barmaid this week, although Yev did consider making friends with a Dutch girl as the evening wore on. In other news, Alan, Ian and I discussed the prospects of a London team winning the European Cup for the first time, (a dream I’ve had on behalf of my beloved Arsenal since English teams were readmitted into Europe in 1991). The consensus seemed to be that Chelsea had a great chance – after this week they’ve certainly got a better chance than Arsenal or Tottenham.

Finally, I saw a photo of Croatian legend Robert Prosinecki today (see above). I thought it was eerily reminiscent of a temperamental film director who was playing football with us until fairly recently. I’ll let you be the judge.

I did not play last week cos the nipper was down from uni.

I tried to get some reasonable conversation out of him but it was an uphill struggle. The previous week I spent most of a miserable time in goal where we got whacked 9-2 (I think). Yev and Alan Morg. cut us apart in defence, where since we did not track back we just did not have enough numbers. Big Dave was the incredible hulk/bulk in goal for them so for a long time we could not get on the score sheet. I thought Alex was bound to score one time but Big Dave pulled off a magnificent save. With Spizz being a long-term absentee and Mick K. resting, we did not have that cultured West Midlands play on the field. In addition, Gashead Simon was in Madrid on a stag-do, taking in the local derby. Amazingly Big Dave collected the money and we all paid up. I thought about asking for a discount since I spent so long in goal but I would have had to admit that being in goal was better than suffering triangular passing. I expect Gooner Simon will come up with his particular take on the game filling the blog with saucy pictures as well as giving a report on the post mortem in the pub. I think I am going to miss the next few Fridays so my limited fitness will go for a burton but at least I won't be in goal!!!

Two left feet

Last Friday’s game saw Simon Gashead take a week’s sabbatical from the action, in part because he’d managed to bring two left boots to the game. Insert your own joke here.

With Simon suited and watching from the sidelines, there ensued a lively eight-a-side which finished 5-2 to the team in colours. The team in bibs comprised Boro Dave, Ross, Joe, and Keir (so no shortage of fire power), as well as myself, Danny, Ian West Brom and Simon the Drummer up against Yev, Sam, Dave A, Mick, Alex, Andy, Paul and Ian Gooner.

The team in colours raced into a two goal lead after goals from Sam and Yev, the first of which I should have saved, with the second being a fierce effort from the Ukrainian which flew into the top right hand corner. When the team in colours scored a third, again through Sam, it looked like turning into a rout but the side wearing bibs managed to get a couple of goals back through Boro Dave (a tidy finish) and the goal of the game from Keir – a trademark finish into the roof of the net from an acute and unlikely angle - before weary legs and wayward finishing allowed the bibs to extend their lead into an unassailable 5-2 advantage, with Yev eventually ending the match with a brace.

The general consensus seemed to be that the teams were reasonably fair, but perhaps not as much as has been the case in recent weeks. On reflection, the team in colours maybe had a bit too much in midfield, but there was plenty of action in and around the bibs’ penalty area. No matter.

Not too much to report in the pub this week, certainly not in the first hour and a half anyway. It would appear Jim’s recruitment and selection policy as it relates to employing barmaids hasn’t changed in 2011. Amen to that.