A Victory for Stats!

Following last week’s mismatch, I came up with a new system for picking the teams this week. I assigned each player a numerical value based on their overall on-pitch effectiveness (i.e. how good they are at football) and pasted these names and values into Microsoft Excel, whereupon I tried to get the two bottom lines as near as damn it. Not necessarily the easiest manoeuvre when there are odd numbers, but who said Maths was easy? Not me, that’s for sure. I only got a ‘C’ at GCSE and that was the best I could have got, as I was in the thickie la-la set.

These values have been saved in an hermetically sealed data storage facility on an ice-bound Scandinavian outcrop in the Baltic Sea and can only be accessed using a complex entry mechanism based on unique biometric data and an advanced knowledge of the names of the pets I’ve had in my life. So don’t ask.

Once I’d locked the data centre and flown back to London after changing flights in a secret mountain top airbase the following teams came out of the supercomputer:

Yellows: me, Phil, Steve, Alan, Tony, Liam, Jaime, Peter and Mario

Blues: Ian Baggies, Andy, Tim, Simon Gas, Dan, Ross, Joseph, Danny, Antonio and Yev’s mate Vitaliy

Bizarrely, Yev arrived early with the aforementioned Ukrainian goalmonster Vitaliy, which was as Alan pointed out nothing if not perverse, but then what else would you expect?

I’ll have a go at recalling all nine goals. 

I can’t quite remember which team scored first, but I’ve a feeling it was the Yellows through Phil, who bagged a brace on the night. His first effort was a clinical finish following a centre from the left after some decent approach play from Liam, who was selflessly ploughing a lonely furrow at left half, while the second came from a fairly acute angle on the right. 

By this stage the Blues were not so much knocking on the door as pounding it with heavy ordnance. Despite a couple of saves from myself to deny first Vitality, at point blank range from a header, and then Antonio (I managed to claw out a cheeky chip from just under the crossbar) Yev’s compatriot nearly took the net away from the stanchion with a violent volley that flew in from just outside the area after some clever prompting from Antonio.  

Having got his eye in with his first goal, Vitaliy then went berserk. I can’t remember how much velocity was on goal number two, but the one to complete his hat-trick almost sang as it left his left foot and flew like an arrow into the top right hand corner of the net, leaving Tony with no chance in goal.

Although the Yellows saw plenty of the ball and created a hatful of chances, Peter and Mario were uncharacteristically profligate while Phil, Liam and Steve all had chances of varying degrees of difficulty to finish but came up against a resolute Blues’ backline that was just a little too well organised for the Yellows to get past. At the other end Antonio’s intelligent passing allied to Ross’ tireless running and Danny’s tenacity created the bullets for Vitaliy, who proved to be absolutely clinical. I believe that Ross was also amongst the goals and the Blues eventually ran in six, although at least one of those was when the Yellows were down to eight men (versus ten) when Phil had to retrieve one of the balls. The Yellows also got one more goal; Mario took a chance from distance that found its way into the bottom hand corner via Ian.

Final score: Blues 6 – Yellows 3

And with that victory for stats, we were off to the pub. Another decent turn out and another mild evening saw myself, Alan, Ross, Liam, Tim (as well as Simon Gas, the Ukrainians and Steve) stay to discuss the following – 1) the fact that the Haka is a glorified dance routine for a bunch of preening bullshit munchers 2) the quality of pundits on BBC– compliments for Chris Sutton, Jason Mohammad and Wrighty, brickbats for Darth Crooks 3) the very much unappreciated and overlooked qualities of early 90’s pop-punk bands Mega City Four and Senseless Things.

A final word for Bristol Paul, who’s been in the wars a bit with his pushbike. Get well soon, mate. I hope you enjoyed reading the card, although Simon seemingly selected the most girly one that Clintons stock.

Kindergarten Klopp

And another welcome back to the Friday night football blog. And another match report for your perusal, following this week’s game.

In his regular Friday morning email Simon explained that we had sixteen players to choose from, but only sent me the names of fifteen people, which I found absolutely perplexing until Simon spotted that he’d put Patrick’s name down twice and omitted that of Ian Baggies. Further confusion came with the unexpected introduction of Mick and then, conversely, his son Patrick's late arrival (having been given a heavy pre-match billing). This required some on the fly re-arrangements, which I think it’s fair to say didn’t go too well.

After young Patrick’s arrival, here is what the two sides looked like:

Yellows: Simon Gas, Jaime, Mario, Dan, Danny, Peter, Paul Tanner, Ian Baggies and myself

Blues: Bristol Paul, Joseph, Alex, Patrick, Antonio, Liam, Tony and Mick

Let the record state that originally Tony was on the Yellow team and were it not for Simon’s dressing room intervention on the Yellow team he would have stayed. Let the record also state that Simon was concerned the Yellow team would be too strong (hence the switch) and, furthermore, let the record state that our attempt to rebalance the teams after the Blues went 2-1 up was very much with the original line-up in mind and not, as had been claimed, some attempt to engineer a Yellow victory. 

Onto the goals. The Yellows took the lead through Peter; at this stage in proceedings the Yellow / Orange team had a two man advantage owing to Patrick’s tardiness, but following his arrival the Blues had soon equalised and it became apparent that a team featuring the ball-winning skills of Alex and the “ridiculous feet” of Antonio would, to put it mildly, become rather a handful. Liam scored the second Blue goal and at this stage, fearing an avalanche, I did try to rejig the sides only to be rebuffed by Tony and Alex and to be accused of trying to gerrymander the result.

A third, fourth and fifth Blue goal soon followed – Antonio’s feet were a blizzard of movement and he steered in one, while the team revisions that never were resulted in the Yellow team losing shape with the consequence that some very soft goals were conceded in a five minute spell. I think that the Blues eased off at this point, either deliberately or subconsciously, and the Yellow team did back into the game, possibly as the Blues found it difficult to move back up the gears. Mario scored at least twice, both of the goals that I can recall being fierce efforts that fizzed low into the goal from wide on the right and then on another occasion from wide on the left (and some distance). I’d let in another soft goal from Tony by this point to give the Blues six goals, but a fourth goal for the Yellows proved to be the final score of the night, despite some late pressure from a midfield triumvirate of Jaime, Danny and Peter. 

Other notable incidents included a rare shot from distance from Simon Gas and a tough looking tackle from Ian Baggies on Liam that had everyone wincing. That lad’s ankles must look like a moon crater. On a more positive note, not so many balls kicked over the fence this week. 

Final score: Blues 6- Yellows 4

All in all, not exactly a classic and one perhaps best forgotten about. 

A reasonable turnout at the Skinners, with myself, Mick and Ian Baggies debating the cultural decay of working class life which has resulted in far fewer world class footballers from these islands, Wales excepted. Bristol Paul regaled us with a story about a catty remark his girlfriend received at a Hot Chip gig, while amongst the usual football chat (both at Coram Fields and beyond) came a comment from Tony. A man who often seems on the cusp of outrage, he opined that Arsène Wenger and Jurgen Klopp promote a style of play that he denigrated as “playground football”, which I thought was a characteristically obtuse viewpoint. It did, however, provide a splendid title for this week’s blog. 

Hopefully I’ll have a better match report to post next week.      

Coram Fields from Space

As promised, the full match report returns this week following last week’s one game protest against the tsunami of criticism that I received for picking two wonky teams last Friday. I think the less said about it all, the better. 

Before we get onto this week’s game, some sad news about Ian Gough, Friday Night Football mainstay for twenty years and legend in his own lunchtime. Ian’s decided to retire from the fray after two decades of action, hundreds of goals and a thousand bollockings of both opponents and team-mates. In terms of highlights from a wonderful career, personal favourites include the time at Old Street when he’d had about seven pints in the afternoon and spent the game goal-hanging – very successfully, I might add – and terrifying the local youngsters who’d scampered on to make up the numbers. Or the time when he stormed off just before the end of the match due to the appalling gamesmanship of Dave Aiton, who was trying to coax on the participants of the next game in a bid to make sure that his team won. Hopefully we will see Ian again both on the field, periodically at least, as well as in what I’ve always thought his spiritual fiefdom, the pub. 

With Ian bowing out of the action and Dan being marooned in Chelmsford owing to some transport shenanigans, we had two teams of nine to participate and they looked like this:

Blues: Phil, Patrick, Steve, Mark, Alan, Liam, Simon Ink, Simon Gas, Paul

Yellows: Luke (son of Phil), Mick (father of Patrick), Joe, David, Jaime, Tim, Ross, Andy, me

As you can see, I put the filial duos of Mick and Patrick and Phil and Luke on opposite teams. (And I know how proud Mick will feel at being qualified in relation to his son and heir).

A much tighter game than last Friday ensued, although only after the Blues took a three goal-lead, with goals coming from Patrick at the near post following some zesty running on their left, followed by a free header for Patrick from a corner (from all of about two foot) and then another great header from Liam who ghosted into the centre of the box to gently nod home a cross from Phil. 

The Yellows / Oranges responded by finding some shape in midfield thanks to Jaime and Mick and their creative promptings, coupled with Ross’s leading of the line, saw the Yellows claim one goal back through Joseph, who forced the ball home following a series of ricochets in the box. The Yellows then scored again before Joseph bagged the equaliser, coming out of defence and swapping passes with Jaime (I think) before coolly slamming the ball home in a manner that I am going to describe as Yaya Toure-esque. 

The Blues retook the lead through Patrick who took advantage of the Yellow’s inability to clear the ball to ram the ball home. With time running out he looked to have won it for the team in azure bibs, as for the second time in the match play was suspended while we retrieved some of the balls that had careered out of the field of play and into the dark undergrowth of Coram Fields. (Phil was the prime culprit here, but honourable mentions must also go to Andy and Steve).

With tension rising and Yellow shouts for a penalty for what looked like a foul on Joe as well as a disputed over-the-line drama (to be fair it would appear that the ball didn’t cross all of the line), one last effort on goal saw Joe swing at the ball just inside the area which slammed into the net off the post as the final peep on the time-keeper’s whistle was echoing.

Final score: Blues 4 – Yellows 4

And so to the pub, at least for myself, Alan, Paul, Simon, Ross, Andy, Liam and also David, enjoying a rare late night excursion. Topics under discussion included Ian‘s retirement, Mourinho versus Wenger, England‘s Euro 2016 qualifying campaign and a roll call of some of the great, not so great and downright horrid from matches past. 

Pick your own fucking team

Normal service will resume next week.

And welcome back Spizz....

From: George, Simon
Sent: 09 October 2015 08:39
To: Simon Jarvis

Subject: Team selection for tonight

Morning Simon

Here’s the line-up for tonight.  Another full house - 20 players in total.

Simon Gas

Paul Tanner

Andy

Tony

Ross

Alex

Simon Ink
Simon Jarvis

Phil

Liam

Joelle (an unknown quantity – not sure about her football skills but she has good multi-media skills)

Peter (Morgan Stanley)
Chris (Morgan Stanley – meant to be good – can you put me on opposite sides to him pls, so I can kick him?)
Joseph (Morgan Stanley)
Jaime (Morgan Stanley - new father to baby daughter Charlotte)
Danny

Dan

Steve

Ian Gooner

Spizz

See you later.

Simon George