Simon's Magic Bus

Two new debutants this week, as Simon’s Spring offensive to recruit more players continues apace. First there was James, playing his first game for around five years, but the pre-match chit chat was all about the other newbie, Veronica from Malmo. She’s a girl. From Sweden. And she plays football. 

Apparently Veronica had approached Simon Gas last Friday evening as he alighted from the 154 in Muswell Hill, (what with the Daimler being off the road as it was being buffed up by Simon’s butler, Harkins). Spotting the Coram Fields Soccer Supremo sporting a Sports Direct bag complete with balls, (the first time Simon’s ballbag has caught a lady’s eye since 1988), she explained that she was interested in playing football and that she was a ‘warrior’. Simon replied that there was nothing to worry about and duly arranged for said femme football to join us at Coram Fields, as exclusively revealed by Spizz Sports News yesterday. 

Speaking of which, post punk luminary Spizz came out of his period of mourning for Spock to take to the field for the first time in a couple of months. Along with the two tyros from last week, Joseph and Peter, this gave us two teams of ten aside.

Viz: 

Yellows / Oranges: Tony, Danny, Simon Gas, Mick, Patrick, Joseph, Ian Gooner, me, Veronica, James

Blues: Dave, Dan, Mario, Yev, Ian Baggies, Steve, Nick, Paul, Peter, Spizz

As you can see, this week also saw a return to action for Mario, (which in any other week would have been the lead story).

A lively encounter ensued, with Tony opening the scoring for the citrus coloured bibs with a splendid effort that swerved and dipped into the goal from around twenty yards. The Hampstead auteur went on to narrowly miss out on a hat-trick as he exerted his directorial influence over the Yellows’ attackers, including Miss Veronica, James and the filial duo of Mick and Patrick. 

The Blues forward options looked menacing on paper and Yev duly equalised by seizing on a rare loose ball from the debutant Swede and efficiently slamming home into the far corner – Mario also got on the scoresheet, capitalising on some good work on the right from Yev to steer one home. I managed to tip over a cute effort from Yev that was driven down into the ground and on schedule to dip under the bar.

But despite the very potent Blue attacking force The Yellows / Oranges kept a decent shape in midfield and at the back and managed to frustrate the Blues as the game wore on, with both Mick and Patrick joining Tony on the scoresheet, the former goal coming from some decent interplay from James and Veronica before Kavanagh Senior rolled in for the Yellows’ third. There were not too many other talking points, although Nick did concede a shocking handball as I tried to loft a pass through to Patrick – the resulting free kick came to nought, chiefly as a result of Yev not retreating more than three yards.

The final goal of the evening was something of a party piece from James – I initially thought it was reminiscent of this Frank Worthington goal, but on reflection it was more akin to Justin Fashanu’s iconic effort for Norwich against Liverpool. Depending on whether or not you believed the whistle to have gone or not, James’s goal made it 4-2 or 5-2 to the Yellows.

And so to the pub, as Veronica brought her fellow Swedes Heinrich and Olaf Longshanks to the Skinners, where Spizz announced a gruelling looking tour in support of Kirk Brandon’s Spear of Destiny and Yev revealed he has finally bought his wife a car, (now she just needs to learn to drive).

And so to next Friday, where we await Simon’s latest surprise signing. Asa Hartford? Lenny Bennett? A talking horse? Anything seems possible these days.

++++BREAKING NEWS++++WOMAN TO PLAY FOOTBALL WITH US THIS EVENING++++BREAKING NEWS++++

Spizz Sports News understands that Coram Fields Director of Football Simon Gas has swooped for Veronica from Malmo for an undisclsoed fee.

Full story to follow....

Sicky bibs

Two new recruits this week from the rarefied world of high finance as Simon Gas corralled two young chaps – Peter and Joseph – into action, one on each side. This gave us a reasonably healthy sixteen or so, (pending the arrival of Yev). The Muswell Hill Footballing Head Honcho duly selected the following two teams:

Blues: Ian Baggies, Paul, Alan, Ross, Joseph, Bristol Paul, Daniel, Danny

Yellows: Alex, Nick, Ian Gooner, Simon Gas, Mark, Peter, me, Andy

With Yev’s arrival coming even later than usual after a lengthy phone call at the side of the pitch, these two teams did battle for around ten minutes before there was any change and during this time the Yellows took a two goal lead, through Nick and Alex, I think. Very Important Phone Call over, Yev duly joined the fray following a lengthy change in the goals and after some discussion Simon decided to switch me and Ross and add Yev to the Blues. Sadly for me this resulted in being reunited with a Blue bib which I had been asked to wear prior to kick off and which smelt distinctly of vomit, (evidently there’d been a laundry malfunction at Ross’s). 

Ergo, the teams then looked like this:

Blues: Ian Baggies, Paul, Alan, Joseph, Bristol Paul, Daniel, me, Yev

Yellows: Alex, Nick, Danny, Ian Gooner, Simon Gas, Mark, Peter, Ross, Andy

With the addition of the Yevgeny the Blues started to look a more potent goal threat and they did get back into the game as Daniel scored a real peach, wrapping his cultured right foot around the ball and curling the ball into the top right hand corner from around 20 yards. I think that Yev got the other Blue goal in considerably less glamourous circumstances. (I should be able to recall the goals a bit better, admittedly, but the chopping and changing would appear to have scrambled my memory).

With Alex, Nick and Peter pulling the strings in midfield for the Yellows it became more difficult for the Blues to attempt to get back on terms, although with Daniel, Alan and Yev they had enough to capitalise on some less than sure Yellows’ defending. Conversely, the Blues were well marshalled at the back by the impressive Joseph and the doughty Bristollian Paul, but having gone behind the Blues were always chasing the game. 

As the game became stretched the Yellows eased into a two and then three goal lead; Alex blasted one past me from close range and toward the end after Paul had relieved me in goalkeeping duties Yev unwittingly obscured his view by standing right in front of him and Alex poked home for what proved to be the winning goal. 

Final score: Yellows 5 : Blues 2

I swerved the pub this week as I had an early start on Saturday, although not as early as Ian Gooner, Alan and Steve, who were scheduled to join Simon Ink on an arduous sounding bike ride to Cambridge on Saturday morning. I expect we’ll hear all about their adventures next Friday. 

I’m off to Manchester for the big cup tie…

Springing in the bath

The final Friday of February and as Spring prepares to be sprung, Simon Gas and his crew found themselves in the compact and bijou surrounds of changing room number one, which I had previously presumed to be the Coram Fields staff room. (Or possibly, judging by the fact the shower facilities were inches deep in tepid water, the staff swimming pool). 

The Chief Executive selected the following two teams to do battle: 

Yellows: Ian Gooner, Simon ‘The Cat’ Gas, Liam, Ross, Paul, Bristol Paul, Danny, Simon Ink

Blues: Mick, Tony, Yev, Dave, Ian Baggies, Mark, Andy, me

Once Tony and Yev had arrived that makes eight aside.

The game was locked at nil-nil for the first fifteen or twenty minutes, but despite having the assorted talents of Tony, Mick and Yev, the Yellows took the game by the scruff of the neck once Danny had completed his stint in goal and seized the lead through Liam, who was proving to be a real menace despite the various niggles and strains he appeared to be battling with. (It could well be that he was malingering to put the Blues into a false sense of security). At the back for the Blues were Dave, who I thought put in such a strong performance that he didn’t deserve to be on the losing side, myself (on occasion) and Ian Baggies, who was his usual honest, vocal and selfless, err, self. 

I was caught in possession in the right back position for one of the Yellows’ goals, as Liam mugged me and slotted home past Ian Baggies. I also managed to let in three whilst in goal, meaning I was directly or indirectly culpable for four of their five goals, with Danny (I think) shooting from distance, Liam snaffling another after I’d tried to smother his initial attempt and Ross and Liam combining for the former to score as I was confronted with both of Yellows’ strikers in front of me and no covering defenders.

At the other end Simon was in imperious form in goal, capping a display reminiscent of Viz’s legendary Billy the Fish with some unbelievable saves from Yev, Mick and myself. That the Blues got on the scoresheet at all was down to Yev – his first was a fiercely driven shot into the top left hand corner that not even the Muswell Hill maestro could repel, the other a hotly disputed penalty after Danny was somewhat harshly adjudged to have handled. The Yellows were 5-1 up at the time, and there was more than a sniff of tokenism about the penalty award, but beggars can’t be choosers and all that.

As for notable incidents, there was another handball decision that Yev screamed for and lead to Ian Gooner requesting that Yev stop being such a twat, (to which the Ukrainian hitman replied something about being a ‘pooosie’ rather than a twat), while the other memorable flare-up came after Ross had the temerity to foul Tony from behind with a little nip at this ankles, which saw the combustible cineaste explode in a fit of short-lived and somewhat comical rage.

Final score: Yellows 5 – Blues 2

A relatively quiet evening at the pub, as a fair few players decided to have an early night. After Mick had taken at least half an hour decrying the quality of play on offer in a very Eeyoreish manner indeed, I spent much of the evening talking to Coram Fields social media correspondent Simon Ink, who had been rebuffed on popular dating application Tinder by a would-be Portuguese paramour because a) he had reproduced and b) had an insufficient presence on Twitter.  Twenty first century problems indeed. The verdict was that the more gigs Ross and the Sprockets, or whatever the band are currently called, the better in terms of Simon’s romantic aspirations. 

Until Friday…