Greetings all, and many apologies for the recent radio
silence. It’s been a few weeks since the last match report and in that time we’ve
had an Easter break, as well as a dispatch from Paul, the self-styled Coram
Fields ‘Guvnor’, which covered the game I missed when I was reliving my youth
by pogoing around to The
Wonder Stuff at the Forum in Kentish Town.
The last game I played in is sadly lost to the mists of time
– apologies here to Ross in particular, who I know is endeavouring to maintain
stats on the game’s leading goalscorers – but it was notable for the most
unfortunate of reasons from the perspective of my top secret Player Attribute
Scoring System. Like a tipsy civil servant on a night out, I left that week’s
line-ups with their relevant values in the bag of bibs. Of all people, Alan was
rostered to wash them that week and he duly uncovered the hitherto secret codes
by utilising his Government training to open the piece of paper and read the content
printed on it. Shocker. If this had been wartime I’d have been shot at dawn for
passing messages to the enemy.
Happily, Alan has signed the Official Secrets Act, so – for now
– the code remains outside the public realm, barring some sort of Edward
Snowden-style Wikileaks revelation.
Next, a report from Field Agent Tanner, who sent the
following dispatch from the game immediately before Easter. (I’ve padded this
out slightly).
Steve and Paul
bumped into Michael Gove at King’s Cross before the match, shortly after the
resignation of Iain Duncan Smith. Paul doesn’t say whether or not Gove was trying
to seal off the St Pancras Euro Star terminal as a publicity stunt ahead of the
EU referendum.
The game itself
finished 3-2 to the Blues, with what Paul describes as “powerful” performances
from both Yev and Mario. However, it is my duty to report that the game and
quite possibly the result was adversely affected by the departure of Tony for
the Yellows, who flounced off, loudly complaining that he wouldn’t “play with
cheats”.
I am informed
that Peter was the stand out performer for the Yellows and he netted the
Yellows’ first goal following an “amazing, incredible turn and pass” from
Michele. The tall Tottenham fan also slotted home a penalty given after David
had apparently handled in the area, much to Simon Gas’s chagrin.
(End of dispatch from Agent Tanner).
And so, finally, onto this week’s match report. Here are
your two teams:
Blues: Specialist Goalkeeper Ed, Geoff, Alan, Mark, Steve,
Jaime, Ben, Tony and Mario
Yellows: me, Andy, Simon Ink, Joseph, David, Tom, Peter,
Danny, Alex and, eventually, Simon Gas
As you can see, Simon Gas is maintaining his recent selfless
stance of stepping out of the starting line-ups to help balance the sides and
ensure there are not too many people on the pitch.
What looked on paper like two evenly matched sides became
something of a riot for the Blues, at least until Simon Gas came on for the
Yellows to help solidify the defensive shape of the back line. Danny began in
goal and conceded just the one goal before heading out – I believe the
excellent Ben was responsible for the first score. I then replaced Danny in
nets and was unable to prevent Mario, who had been played in via a great pass
from Alan, from skipping around my abortive challenge and rolling the ball
home. A third Blue goal arrived shortly after; I failed to deal with a corner
and the ball squirted around the six yard box before Tony managed to crash the
ball home, despite Andy’s valiant attempt to block it.
When Mario made it four nil with a swivelled half-volley
through a crowd of players from the edge of the area Simon Gas was beckoned on
and the Muswell Hillbilly duly stationed himself at left back as the Yellows
went hunting for goals. Thereafter the game was more even, although all credit
to the Blue team who played some great football – Ben, Tony and Mario proved to
be a highly fluid and deft attacking triumvirate, while Steve marshalled the
defence to restrict the surging midfield runs of Alex and Peter.
For the Yellow team Joseph had a good game, mopping up
attacks and elegantly carrying the ball upfield to tee up his team mates. The
Yellows did get on the scoresheet; I think Danny got one and Peter seized on a
loose ball to fizz a fierce effort low and hard into the bottom corner.
There were a couple of slightly bizarre, slightly contentious
handball decisions which left the final score in some doubt, both involving Honest
Andy. The first confused me, as I thought Andy had called for a handball
against the Blues, but in actual fact he’d called himself for handballing and a
quick-thinking Alan took the free kick, played a one-two and calmly poked the
ball past a bemused Simon Ink, who’d stopped playing. Whatever happened to
playing to the whistle? On reflection, the goal should stand, but given no-one
other than Andy had even seen the supposed handball, it was all a bit peculiar.
I had a far better view of the second incident. Late on in
the game and with the Blues well ahead Andy was defending as last man when the
ball came back out to him following a save and bounced up and brushed his hand,
which was down by his side. Mario called for handball, Andy shrugged and
admitted that the ball had hit his hand, and Alan (again) was the apparent
beneficiary as he lined up the penalty. Sportingly, he spooned it over the bar.
In Fifa's Laws of the Game 2005, Law 12 says a free-kick or
penalty will be awarded if a player "handles the ball deliberately (except
for the goalkeeper within his own penalty area)". Frustratingly, FIFA
doesn’t provide any sort of a steer on what constitutes ‘deliberate’ in this
context, although former Premier League referee, Harrow Schoolmaster and International
Fusspot David Elleray has said the referee's interpretation depends on whether
the hand or arm is in an "unnatural" position at the point of
contact. Given Andy’s hands were at the end of his arms, I’d venture that this
was not a penalty and we should have waved play on. Suffice to say it wasn’t an
incident which affected to the final score.
Speaking of which, we trudged off with the Blues having
scored either five or six goals, depending on your view of Andy’s first
handball, to the Yellows two.
Onto the Skinners for a few pints and a chinwag, which I
understand was not possible two weeks previous given the sheer number of people
in there (reviews of the nearby Dolphin establishment seemed to revolve around
the high bar prices). Conversation mainly centred on the remaining Premier
League campaign, before we swapped opinions and reviews of TV and radio
football pundits: Jermain Jenas good, Michael Owen execrable. There was some talk
of a Skinners Podcast, (a Pubcast?), but we’ll need legal representation before
even beginning to think of such a thing. Ian Gooner alone would keep the
barristers busy for a few days after each episode.
Right, that’s over 1,200 words,
which will hopefully help to make up for the dearth of blog action recently.
Given this week’s theme you won’t be surprised to learn that I’ve been exclusively
reading spy novels since January, (I’ve also been watching the excellent spy dramas
Deutschland ’83 and The Night Manager).
Over and out.
No comments:
Post a Comment