A damn good porking

And so we reach the end of another football season, as 2013-2014 beings to dissolve from plain view into the golden hindsight of the metaphorical rear view mirror. And what a season, both at Coram Fields and beyond. Manchester United making an unholy mess of their first post-Fergie season. Tony breaking a leg skiing. Athletico Madrid upsetting the big two in Spain. Ian and Nick nearly coming to blows. Arsenal winning a trophy. Simon Gas winning a permanent 7.00 pm kick off time. Germany winning their first World Cup since reunification in 1990. Yev turning up on time. Oh, hang on....

Friday night saw some of the hottest temperatures I’ve ever exercised that vigorously in since Glastonbury 1992. Simon’s final two team selections of the season were as follows:

Yellows: Alex, Khalid, Yev, Steve, Mark, Simon Ink, Daniel, Alan

Blues: me, Simon Gas, Mario, Ross, Spizz, Danny, Will

With the ambient temperature still way over 25 degrees I personally felt as if a) my legs were made of lead and b) my brain was about to catch fire. Happily, the searing heat didn’t seem to affect everyone else to the same extent, as there was a surprisingly fast pace to proceedings and a generally high standard of play. Steve opened the scoring for the Yellows via a header from a perfectly placed corner, after I’d managed to keep out his initial shot. Of the two goals that the Blues scored I know that Danny got one, I think it was the first, as he came out of goal and slalomed past various defenders on the right before finishing from a tight angle. That’s certainly what it looked like to me, although I was about 50 yards away attempting vainly to get my breath back. 

The Yellows’ other goal was a penalty, awarded by Simon for someone pushing someone else. Again, I’ve no idea who. Spizz, hero of this blog and post-punk Star Trek fans the world over, did the rest. (Just). Simon has clearly been to Specsavers this week as he chalked off a goal for the Blues for handball. Once again I’ll plead the Wenger amendment, but in my defence I had just taken a ball to the nose from a distance of about three yards as Yev span and volleyed the ball straight at my schnoz. He said afterwards that he wasn’t aiming for it, which is kind. 

The Blues’ second goal did come from another effort from Yev as he outmuscled someone or other and powered the ball past Simon Gas in nets and into the far top corner.

By my reckoning that was the final score – i.e. 2-2 – but we once more played on well past the 8.00 pm cut-off time and Steve got another headed goal from a corner at around 8.05. I think for next season we need some clearer boundaries about scoring past eight ‘o’ clock; by all means play on if no-one else is coming on, but when you’ve played forty minutes with a man less than the opposition in sizzling heat it’s a bit much to be accused of whining when you point out that the game is supposed to take an hour - not 70 minutes, 80, or even 90. 

As one of the Coram Fields staff beckoned us to come back in to the changing rooms, which appear to have been swapped for a set of Turkish Showers, Alan ‘scored’ another ‘goal’ from a corner, although Simon had already started to leave the field of play by this stage, so he tapped into an unguarded net. As such, I’m saying it doesn’t count. 

Final score: 2-2, or 3-2  to the Blues, depending on your allegiance. (Or 4-2, if you're Alan).

A veritable smorgasbord of processed pork products (how’s that for alliteration?) awaited us at the Skinners, with a tray of pork pies, some sandwiches (mainly ham) and not one, but two plates of sausage rolls laying in the reserved section at the rear of the pub. Only a token tray of Chicken Satay, (or Goujons, if you’re Simon), was there to represent the other meats available.

Topics under discussion included £10 flights to Donetsk, (one way), Summer transfer activity, Summer holiday activity, reviews of the season and Yev’s prospective tour of East Anglia and the low countries via push bike. The first leg is on August 9^th and takes him from Epping Forest to Harwich, in case people are interested. 

And as the pub awning withdrew and advanced like a man with brewer’s droop in the late night rain, all that was left was to raise a glass to another successful season of Being Active And Staying Away from The Pub until 8.30 pm. See you all on September 12^th. Have a great Summer.