Generic blog post (not mentioning Spizz)

Last Friday evening’s somewhat chilly game of football saw a total of ten goals and plenty of action, as Simon Gas selected the two teams. With Mick arriving slightly after the start of play I was the makeweight in the subsequent rebalancing of the two sides, with the line-ups settling thusly:

Bibs: Mick, Matt, Dan, Ian Goff*, Ian West Brom, Simon Ink, Phil 

Colours: Alex, Yev, Joe, Andy, Tommy, Danny, Simon Gas, me

(The Bibs had rush keeper to reflect that they were a man short). 

The scoring had already opened before Mick’s arrival, via, I think, Alex. (Having switched teams it’s not easy to remember whether you were on the side that took the lead or not). There then  followed a flurry of goals, with Alex and Yev forming a potent double-act through the middle of the park, Yev playing ostensibly as a striker and Joe providing a very useful outlet wide on the left and cutting in to lay on the chances for the two main men. 

Meanwhile Matt and Dan proved to be a real handful for the Bibs and both scored at least once each, with long range shooting being very much the order of the day given they had fewer people to pass to. I think Phil also got on the scoresheet. As the game wore on the extra man for the Colours started to tell – Yev grabbed one goal following a rare rush-goalie mix-up that left the goal temporarily (yet fatally) unguarded - although the score never got completely away from the Bibs. 

In an event as rare as the proverbial rocking horse’s teeth or hen’s shit I managed to get on the scoresheet after Joe cut the ball back from his wide-left berth and I smartly tucked the ball past the keeper, (even if I do say so myself). That made the score 5-3, but it was 5-4 soon after, following an unfortunate own goal that wrong footed yours truly between the posts. I did manage to make amends and prevent would have been an equalising shot from Dan, before Joe wrapped things up with a late sixth goal for the Colours. 

Final score: Colours 6 - Bibs 4

Bit of a schism in the Old Fountain this week, with me, Danny, Mick and Andy on one table swapping stories of terrible jobs (I particularly enjoyed Danny’s revelation that he failed an interview for McDonald’s in the last 80’s after turning up in a three piece suit – and with his mother in tow, something which inspired this week’s byline photo), while Simon, Ian Goff* and the younger coterie of players on the other. No idea what they were discussing. 

I’m away for a couple of weeks, seeing various in-laws in Cornwall and Essex, so The Guvnor will no doubt be back in blogging action before long. 

*I am aware this is not the correct spelling.

Four versus Five

Last Friday’s game was a very taxing four versus five affair, with one of the nine players being a young ringer called Pete who opportunity had decided to knock for. With so few players, remembering the two teams is somewhat more straightforward than usual:

Bibs – Danny, Simon Gas, Phil, me

Colours – Spizz, Paul The Guvnor, Simon Inky, Joe and the young ringer Pete

(You will note that 33.3% of the players had the first name ‘Simon’). 

With the Gang of Four having rush goalie, the game kicked off and the Bibs duly took the lead courtesy of a dashing run from Danny that began in his own area and ended with a clinical finish. The Colours equalised, but the next two goals were shared as the extra man on the colours’ side started to force the Bibs to work very hard. But with the score balanced at 2-2 Simon Gas scored what seemed to feel like a game changing goal, with a trademark drilled shot from wide on the left that found the bottom corner of the goal.

There followed another key point in the game, with punk legend Spizz refusing to go in goal, a hand injury being ostensibly blamed for his inability to take turn as ‘keeper. With the goal left unguarded in the ensuing melee, Danny squared a pass that pinged off the unfortunate Simon Ink and into an empty net to make the score 4-2. I don’t think it’s an understatement to say that this incensed The Guvnor and the ensuing row seemed to spread disaffection through the Colours’ ranks; the Bibs duly extended their lead in a commanding fashion, with Danny and Phil doing the majority of the damage, scoring from distance, via some dashing forward play and on one occasion via an outrageous nutmeg on Simon Ink that saw Phil turn on goal with a ruthless display of finishing. 

Spizz seemed to have about 25 different chances from just outside the ‘D’, but whether some form of karmic justice was at play or whether it was just great goalkeeping, the margin between the two teams continued to grow until the Bibs lead 10-2. An uncharacteristic incidence of unsporting behaviour from Danny, deliberately handling the ball to prevent Pete from having a one-on-one with the ‘keeper, saw Simon Gas give the Colours a penalty kick which Spizz duly dispatched. The Bibs grabbed a couple more goals, but the game still finished with a resounding 11-5 win for the Bibs’ Gang of Four. 

And it was only a Gang of Four that made it to the pub, with all three Simons and Joe settling in at the White Lion to watch England v San Marino. (Well, the first half, anyway.) In stark contrast to the Old Fountain I was served within around 6 seconds of reaching the bar, with both members of staff poured a pint each. How’s that for service?

Here’s to some more players next week.

Waterworld

With The Guvnor currently incapacitated with something or other, (diphtheria? rickets?), I resumed blogging duties for Friday 5th October’s game. I will be taking a slightly more traditional approach to the ‘match report’ following Paul’s blog from last week which suggested fines for people deemed not to have passed sufficiently often, as well as those who have not “put in a shift”, (with the cash in the latter case going to Simon Gas. As if he needs the money). I’ve never read a match report from someone who left before the end of the game either, but not for nothing does The Guvnor have a reputation as a maverick.

Friday’s game was played amidst the sort of driving, relentless rain that you could expect to find on the bridge of a ship, or in a film set in a dimly-lit dystopian future starring someone like Kevin Costener or Mel Gibson. The somewhat inclement weather may have been partly responsible for the relatively low turn-out, with two teams of six each.

From memory, they lined up as follows

Bibs – Phil, Matt of the flaxen hair, Wing Commander Will, Sam, Simon Gas, Joe

Colours – Boro Dave, Danny, Alex, Mick, Simon Inky, me

Despite a closely fought opening, with the two teams sharing the first four goals, the game turned into something of a rout, although the possession stats would have looked reasonably even.  The final score was 11-3 to the Colours, with Boro Dave on fire – not literally, Jamie Redknapp, (in case you’re reading) – and Alex providing the Teessider with the ammunition. The pick of Dave’s goals was a real picturesque effort, with Mick pinging the ball through to Dave on the edge of the ‘D’ and Dave backheeling the ball with his first touch and into the net. Despite the slippery conditions there were relatively few keeping blunders, although Matt scored with a shot that I should have been able to stop. Some wayward finishing combined with increasingly miraculous goalkeeping prevented the Bibs from scoring more than three goals – during Simon Ink’s spell in goal he ‘saved’ a shot , seeing the ball ricochet off both of his ankles and fly over the bar. It had turned into one of those evenings by the end where everything that the Colours tried was coming off – Mick fizzing the ball in from the half way line, Dave receiving the ball with his back to goal and still managing to turn, shoot and score and most bizarrely Simon Ink tackling Sam for a loose ball and then watching it squirm beyond the keeper for the eleventh goal. I couldn’t score mind, with my best effort coming back off the far post as I attempted a Norman Whiteside-style finish.

Following the end of the game and some more heroics from Dave (he had to retrieve the ball from the playschool behind the goal) Mick, Sam (who had returned from a post-match fit of pique), Simon Gas, Danny and myself repaired to the Old Fountain, which was very busy.  Topics of conversation included the 2012 Christmas party and the fact that we should go to the White Lion next Friday as they have more seats and Simon Gas is keen to renew the acquaintance of the delightful russet barmaid, although she may have grown her Winter coat by now.

The Guv'nor shocks the two teams with early goal.

Last Friday night the Guv'nor shocked the two teams with an early goal. "I found some space on the left wing, I think it was Gashead, who poked the ball down the line, then I had Danny in goal at my mercy.
I curled it round him and the ball hit the post. For a moment with my luck (my Dad passing away on Valentine's Day and Man Utd losing the league to the noisy neighbours) the ball would come out again but it
nestled in the net."

The Guv'nor told an off-pitch reporter that his confidence was sky high after a good pre-season playing with Cliff and Kev's team. Fenian Mick could testify that he got a neat goal in a match organised by Cliff, although the Guv'nor would be a bit disorientated since he plays a zonal defence system rather than the man-to-man marking preferred by the
7.45ers.

Soon, after the goal, the Guv'nor trundled back to defence to replace Gashead in goal. Fenian Mick quipped that the colours were putting their best attacker in goal!.
"The game was seven-a-side and evenly matched until Phil Bowers and Alex Charnley started passing to the opposing team rather than doing the easy ball to me and opening the defence."
"I managed to catch the 7.44 and saw a bit of Gardener's World, which gave me my tasks for the weekend, which included raking the lawn. I was quite pleased with my performance and I owe Gashead a six quid match fee."
I am going to propose an addition to our by-rules, people who don't pass and people who don't do their shift should pay Gashead a tenner.
The surplus we build up can be used for a physio fund to help players get through injuries. The best sight for me last Friday was the return of Ross from a knee injury. The lay-off might have been shorter if we paid for private physio."
Before I left we basically had the game under control with Matt scoring two fine goals and also diverting a shot into our own net. I thought he was the star of the match. Spizz scored a fine curving shot when I was behind the sticks. Yev and Mick were the pick of the bunch for them.
In his captaincy role Mick had to explain a few simple football strategies to WBA Ian.