Blankety Blank

Many apologies for the radio silence last week; I had one of those incredibly trying weeks that come along every so often when there doesn’t seem to be a spare minute from the moment you wake up until bedtime. Thankfully, this is a more peaceful weekend and usual service is restored. I hope you were able to fill in the blanks yourselves. 

I’ll begin with a summary of the previous Friday’s activity, although it is remarkable how all the games blend together sometimes. Thankfully, I’ve still got the line-ups and I can remember the final score. Here goes…

Friday 22^nd January 2016

Yellows: me, Steve, Jaime, Matt, Ian Gooner, Mario, David, Mark, Danny and Ross

Blues: Ian Baggies, Simon Gas, Joseph, Paul, Charlie, Peter, Nick, Michele, Alan and Liam

Ten aside, for the more mathematically minded of you. 

For a while, when the Blues were 5-3 ahead, it looked rather as if the Blues would run away with things to make it a far more one-sided game than has been the custom since my ground-breaking stats system, but the Yellows recovered to get the scoreline looking respectable. Liam, as ever, was among the goals with one finish where he rolled Ian to tuck the ball home inside the far post one of the more memorable moments of the match. (How’s that for alliteration?) 

The game was, perhaps, best summed up by the fact that more often than not there were only myself, Ian and David at the back as the not-inconsiderable tide of Blue attackers streamed forward – with Charlie and Peter having a combined height akin to that of the Sears Tower, they also had a significant aerial advantage, although Steve had one of his best games at Coram Fields as he rolled back the years and won header after header, sliding tackle upon sliding tackle and even weighed in with a deft header via a pass from Mario to nod past Simon Gas in goal. He didn’t deserve to be on the losing side.

Final score Yellows – 4 : Blues – 6

One aspect of Steve’s game which never alters is his unrivalled ability to get the ball over the fence and out of play. Last Friday was no exception and we had the preternaturally agile Mario to thank for being able to clamber over the fence adjacent to the Foundling Museum, shimmy along a two inch ledge and jump down to retrieve not one, but two footballs in amongst the ghosts of London’s orphans past.

And last Friday saw a decent turnout at the pub, as myself, Ian, Alan, Steve and Simon were joined by the surprising arrival of Yev, who clearly has nothing better to do on a Friday night than loiter around King’s Cross, (there’s an obvious joke there, but you can do some work yourself), as well as the eternally Late Geoff. Discussion centred on the Arsenal v Chelsea game, which I will gloss over, and the other usual chestnuts. The younger coterie of Ross, Mark, Liam and Nick dined with two older gentlemen, the provenance of whom I omitted to enquire on Friday just gone. Perhaps they can enlighten us in due course? 

Friday 29^th January 2016

And so onto the final Friday in a January which has already marred the year with its relentlessly miserable toll of death from the worlds of sound and vision. With Tony returning to action following his most recent injury, this is what the two line-ups looked like:

Yellows: me, Simon Ink, Steve, Charlie, Michele, Ross, Danny, Peter and Liam

Blues: Ian Baggies, Simon Gas, Andy, Jaime, Paul, Mark, Ben, Tony, Mario and Callum

This one was decided by the odd goal in nine, with another tight match with little to choose between the teams. In writing this blog I realise I’ve inadvertently paired the Swiftian gigantic duo of Charlie and Peter again, which is something I’ll need to watch out for. I spent almost the entire game in my own half, trying to prevent Mario, Callum and Tony from scoring first at the back, then in goal and at the back again, so my ability to recall the Yellows’ goals was somewhat stymied by distance and the veritable forest of legs between me and the Blues’ goal. I understand that Liam was heavily involved in proceedings as they relate to goals scored – Charlie and Peter were able to join up play for Michele, Ross and Liam and while I believe that Ben in particular had a very solid game at the back for the Blues, the pressure of younger legs eventually turned into goals.

However, with the usually lethal Callum and the powerful shooting of Mario causing the Yellows problems, the scoreline kept narrow – Mario bagged a hat-trick with a goal to the top corner coming through a thicket of players and another which he took great pleasure in telling me came after he’d spotted me slightly off centre. Callum was also in amongst it, with one finish catching Danny out at the near post and another a delicately flicked finish from a low corner.

In terms of memorable moments, I left Danny in trouble with an ill-advised throw-out that saw Tony steal the ball and shoot toward the top corner, only for me to redeem myself to tip the ball over the bar for a corner. Speaking of Tony, he had a number of increasingly deafening shouts for handball against Ross, but none were given. At the other end, Paul managed to slice the ball up into the air for Ian Baggies in goal to claw desperately onto the bar, only for the rapacious figure of Liam to stab home from all of a yard or so.

Final score: Yellows 5 – Blues 4

Paul was keen to get to the pub this week to watch his beloved Manchester United smite the mighty Derby County 3-1 before he leaves this sceptre isle for the somewhat surprising holiday destination of Antarctica (via Buenos Aries) with the even more surprising travel companion of his dear old Mum. Happy Holidays, Paul.

With none of the pub crew wanting to stay much after the end of the Cup game, it was an early night at the Skinners for once. 

See you in February, when perhaps we can be spared any more visits from the Grim Reaper.   

Lazarus

Welcome to another cold and wintry week, Spizzenergi football fans. As is custom at this time of year, there were plenty of players to pick from on Friday and pick them I did – we enjoyed a nine aside last week (Mick being a late withdrawal) and the two teams ended up like so:

Yellows: me, Nick, Joe, Peter, Danny, Liam, Mark, Mario and Paul

Blues: Simon Gas, Andy, Steve, Jaime, Ian Gooner, Simon Ink, Michele, Ross and Alex

Here’s what happened. The Yellows soared into a two goal lead through man of the match Liam and, apparently, Peter (although I am reliant on pub hearsay for confirmation of Peter’s goal). Any concerns that the Yellows would run away with things were soon stymied, however. After Danny and Nick had both kept clean sheets during their respective stints in goal, I managed to ship three goals inside ten minutes. The first was definitely a cross that looped way over my head and plopped into the top corner – Jaime being the goalscorer, I believe – before Ross poached another after robbing Mark and poking home through my legs. I think Ross got the third in similar fashion. I then handed the gloves over to Joe, but was still culpable for the fourth Blues goal, as I failed to track Michele’s run and he calmly steered the ball past Joe to make it Yellows 2 Blues 4.

Soon after it looked as if the jig was up for the Yellows. With Alex running things in midfield the Yellows were heavily reliant on Peter to hold play up and set the twin strike-force of Liam and Mario running. One of his promptings fell loose and with Alex and Liam both charging toward the ball, but coming in from different angles, their studs got tangled and Liam looked to have twisted his knee to the point where he’d have to go off injured. He duly hobbled off and I was considering reconfiguring the teams when Liam reappeared, Lazarus-like, and started sprinting forwards. He quickly scored to bring the game back to 3-4 before suffering a slightly less accidental challenge from Alex that left the Yellows with a freekick, which came to nought. With the momentum shifting, Nick took corner upon corner for the Yellows to try and set up Peter or Liam, but Simon, Steve and Andy looked to have shut up shop for the Blues at the back.

With the next game’s players edging nearer and nearer the touchline Liam found himself free inside the area and slammed the ball low into the bottom hand corner to equalise, completing his hat-trick. He wasn’t quite finished, however – clearly riled by being cleaned out by Alex, Liam had smelt blood and tried to score a fourth. On receiving the ball wide on the right he rolled a couple of challenges and smashed to ball at the goal from an acute angle; it bounced off the post and onto the crossbar, but Mario was lurking on the other post and leapt like a dolphin at a theme park at the ball to force the ball home and conclude the scoring.

Final score: Yellows 5 Blues 4

Onto the pub, where the cold weather had done nothing to put off the New Year’s drinking. With no tables being free, the vertical drinking precipitated a number of conversations, including some football podcast tips from Nick (many thanks), assorted stories about Bobby Moore, Simon’s mischievous questioning of Ian’s support for Arsenal given his West London origins and, of course, the life and legacy of the great David Bowie.

Until Friday, stay warm and toasty. 

Heroes

Happy New Year, everyone and welcome back to the world of the Friday night match report, which actually features its namesake and original inspiration for once. As is custom for the first game of the New Year, there was a bumper turnout with twenty chaps pitching up. Here are the teams I came up with:

Yellows – Simon Ink, Paul, Alan, Ross, Ian Gooner (welcome back), Nick, Steve, Yev, Alex and Simon Gas

Blues – Mark, me, Andy, Danny, Ian Baggies, Spizz (ditto), David, Mick, Liam and Mario

As you can see, the diminutive post-punk firework wasn’t the only prodigal return; Ian of Forest Gate also returned after a short, self-imposed exile. And just to prove that the more things change the more they stay the same, Yev was late.

With ten aside space and time were always going to be luxuries that few could afford, but despite the number of personnel on the pitch a decent game of football ensued.  The Yellows, with what David later referred to as their bearded midfield hordes, kept surging forward to try and set up either Ross or Yev and it was the former who opened the scoring by punishing the Blues’ defence and steering the ball home past Danny. That goal prompted the Fylde coast midfield dynamo to head out of nets and bring his vim and energy into effect for the Blues.

Liam then equalised courtesy of a rather route-one effort, controlling a goal kick which bypassed the other eighteen players on the field and slotting home past Simon Gas. The game could then have gone either way, with Simon Gas proving difficult to beat in goal for the Yellows, and Ian Baggies and assorted Blue defenders somehow managing to thwart the relentless pressure from Nick, Alex, Yev and Ross, with Ian stretching play with his cute goalhanging.

For the Blues, the front three of Spizz, Mario and Liam had a tough time of it up against Simon Ink and Steve at the back, but it was the Caledonian striker that had the final say by squeezing home from a tight angle and thereby winning it for the Blues. Props go to Mark and David for the Blues, who had great games in midfield and defence respectively, while Alex and Yev looked the men most likely to for the Yellows.

Very little drama or controversy this week; Spizz claimed a dubious free kick from Steve, which thankfully came to nought, while we mysteriously played on after the final whistle before being unceremoniously turfed off by the Coram Fields manager.

Final score: Yellows 1 – Blues 2

And so to the Skinners, where a hot buffet and end of year presentation took place in a nod to Christmas (just) past. After an hour or so delay, Alan, Ian and myself took our seats to await the safe arrival of a platter of pork pieces, chicken drumsticks, sandwiches and mini sausages and very nice they were too. Eventually Simon and the rest of the crew realised that they’d better get involved before we three disappeared into a blur of processed pork and they were joined by two plates of chips and battered prawns. Yum.

As the deep fried carbohydrates took their soporific effect Ross read aloud the goal scoring stats for the season so far, with the bearded chanteur taking second place behind Liam, who duly held the Silver Plate aloft. Never one to miss a chance to muscle in on someone else’s glory, Spizz also photobombed the picture with, err, a cardboard disc. Liam’s in good company here, as the last time I saw Spizz try and hog someone else’s limelight he was on stage with Iggy Pop at the Royal Festival Hall (and about 100 other people.

Which brings me onto Iggy’s sometime producer, friend and conspirator, David Bowie. What a sad day. It’s very hard to think about a world without Bowie in it; it’ll certainly by greyer and less interesting. See you on Friday. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2je8B_2CeM

Balmy Friday

Welcome back to the Friday night football blog after a two week lay-off. This month’s unseasonably mild weather – never mind what the pub trade apparently call ‘Blackeye Friday’, this was more like Balmy Friday - continued as Simon Gas organised and picked the sides for the final time in 2015. Here’s what the Muswell Hill Soccer Chieftain came up with, (despite being beset with snot):

Blues: Mario, Alex, Sanhab, Danny, Liam, Andy (the Ulster version), Mark, Simon Gas, Joseph

Yellows: specialist goalkeeper Ed, David, Yev, Alan, Mick, Patrick, Ian Baggies, Steve, me

Despite committing the cardinal sin of putting Mario and Alex on the same team, Simon managed to ensure that a decent – and even – game of football ensued. There was slight issue with two large gaggles of young lads congregating at the bottom and side of the pitch; the young scamps had been able to enjoy a free kick around before 8.00 pm as there was no other side on the pitch.

Although they cleared the pitch reasonably uneventfully, one group in particular stuck around in a what you might call a passively provocative stance, gently encroaching onto the field of play every couple of minutes, with one youngster theatrically falling onto the astro turf until his mates carried him off. Eventually the little bit of attention which they were craving arrived in the form of a polite exhortation from Mick –“Boys, get off the fucking pitch, please”, which saw them reluctantly traipse off into the night whilst shouting back at anyone and everyone, so that they sounded exactly like a flock of squawking parakeets.

Onto the goals, (the first one took around 20 minutes to arrive). In trying to clear the ball upfield I inadvertently steered it straight to Mario who took a touch to steady himself and then sent a fierce drive past the otherwise excellent specialist goalkeeper Ed to make it 1-0 to the Blues.

In a relatively low scoring game both Ed and his opposite number, Simon Gas, made a series of splendid stops to deny Liam, Danny and Alex on the one hand and Patrick and Yev on the other. Perhaps unsurprisingly with both Danny and Alex playing in midfield for the Blues they enjoyed the lion’s share of possession and this combination saw Danny swap passes before steering the ball into the bottom far corner to make it 3-2 to the Blues – I believe that Liam had grabbed the second Blues score after steering the ball through a thicket of players.

At the other end the Yellows’ main threats came from the filial duo of Patrick and Mick, with some decent support from the recovering crock, Yev. The Kavanaghs were responsible for all three goals for the Yellows, with Patrick scoring a sensational equaliser to Mario’s piledriver and Mick flipping the ball over a phalanx of Yellows defenders before nudging the ball past Simon in goal. That effort from Mick was the final goal of the evening and we finished with a suitably festive, deep and crisp and even score of 3 – 3.

And so to the Skinners, where the ridiculously temperate climate saw us drink outside until we realised that, equally unseasonably, the pub was so quiet that there were tables (note the plural) going spare inside.

Discussions focused on gameshows past and present, the merits of Challenge TV and this clip from youtube. On the other table the night ended with a series of impressions of the young squawkers responsible for the early drama and a round of best wishes for the season. I understand that we return to action on Friday 8^th January 2016 for a game of football and a fake Christmas buffet in the Skinners.

Who said that January was a bleak month?

Vote Curry

Hello, good evening and welcome back to the Friday night football blog, brought to you in association with Senor Gaz productions and Yardbird Pale Ale.

Apologies for the recent hiatus in match reports – this was due in part to a pretty disastrous trip to Cornwall to visit my, um, ‘eccentric’ in-laws and a nasty bout of Masculinis Snotgripus Maximus, which I’ve thankfully shaken off. I understand that the past fortnight saw two decent and reasonably contested games, even without my stats-system. Apparently last week’s match was contested by fewer than nineteen players - whatever next.  

As I return, so does the heavy responsibility of team selection and here’s what I managed to come up with on Friday, unknown quantities and all -

Blues: Charlie*, Simon Gas*, Tom*, Liam, Tim, Mario, Joseph*, Ed, Tony

Yellows: Danny, Andy, me, Ian Baggies, Ross, David, Peter*, Jaime*, Michele (pronounced Mikaelly), Simon Ink

*(denotes being employed by Morgan Stanley)

And so we kicked off, with the Yellows having the player advantage. The ‘Ed’ mentioned in the team sheet turns out to be a specialist ‘keeper and he periodically switched places with Tony, who is still recovering from injury, rather like Bristol Paul, Yev and most of Arsenal’s first XI.

With so many people on the pitch, many of them under 35, space and time were at a premium, but quality will out and there were a number of spectacular and high-class goals on the night. Liam, as he was keen to tell me in the pub, may have only had two shots in the match but both counted, leaving him with a 100% strike rate. After the Caledonian hitman opened the scoring for the Blues, the Yellows then unleashed Danny from his berth in goal and the game assumed a more even tempo. 

With Peter winning 99.9% of all headers and decent support coming from Danny, David and Jaime (with Ross and Michele up front), the Yellows nevertheless found themselves against a well-drilled defence and some excellent goalkeeping. By contrast, the Blues looked to have rather more joy against the Yellow’s defence, which was perhaps not quite as mobile, (or well marshalled).

As the lead changed hands with a basketballesque frequency – Michele levelled things up for the Yellows - it was clear that it was going to take something special for the Yellows to get past the Blues’ assorted defensive kingpins and something special is what we got from David, with his party piece making it two-all on the night. Collecting the ball in centre midfield, the sprite-like Oxford graduand skipped across the astroturf and spotted Ed loitering on the edge of his area, well off his line. He chipped the ball high into the night sky with a degree of curl and it eventually plopped back down a few yards from goal, where Ed could only scrabble at it forlornly as it trickled gracefully over the line. One of the goals of the season.

Peter made it three apiece with a ridiculously hard shot that sounded – and moved – like a shotgun cartridge and quite possibly broke Tony’s finger en route to the net. That spelled the end for the north London cineaste and with the Blues two men short, I crossed the Rubicon to make the final stages of the game an eight side affair.

Shortly after this switch Tim nodded the Blues 4-3 ahead from a corner, with Andy and Simon Ink’s Chuckle Brothers routine on the goal-line largely to blame for the Yellows conceding. Charlie then received a short corner from myself before unleashing an unstoppable shot into the top left corner to complete the scoring.

Final score: Blues 5: Yellows 3

And thus to the pub, where the pre-Christmas works drinks activity looked to have begun in earnest, young people supping what looked like anti-freeze from wine glasses and all. I oscillated between one table with Danny, Andy and Simon Gas, who was bending the landlord’s ear about some sort of post-Christmas buffet (terrible idea) and the younger phalanx of Liam, Tim, Simon Ink, David and Ross, who were discussing Jamie Vardy, Troy Deeney and the bearded songstrel John Grant.

I’m missing this Friday’s match for a gig, but will be back on the 18^th for end of year festivities and hopefully a curry, if we can persuade Simon that eating in a restaurant needn't be a social minefield.

You know it makes sense. Vote Curry.

Marchons, marchons!

Welcome all to a brand new week. Hopefully this post will provide some form of light relief following the appalling news over the weekend. Friday’s game saw yet another bumper crop of eager young (and not-so-young) things turn up for a game, with a grand total of nineteen players in the mix.

Here’s what the PASS supercomputer came up with:

Blues: Mario, Joseph, Peter, Danny, Mick, Chris, Simon Gas, Tim and Liam

Yellows: Alex, Jaime, Patrick, Antonio, Callum, Alan, Ian Baggies, me, Phil and Ross

As you can see, ten plays and nine and a real work-out for the highly complex algorithm deployed by the ones and zeros of data crunching.

It was first blood to the Blues; almost literally, when Peter stood on my index finger following a goalmouth melee, but Peter soon got on the scoresheet with a clinical finish following some Klopp-style pressing on the Yellows fullback positions. Callum soon equalised, for the first of his four goals, and then the scoring continued in a percussive, ding-dong fashion right across the hour’s play.

I think Patrick got the second Blues’ goal – whether or not it was the second or third Blues goal it was a fine finish. The LSE undergraduate controlled a lobbed pass on this left knee and swivelled to smash an explosive volley into the bottom left hand corner of the goal. Danny then scored a very good equaliser, guiding the ball high over the ‘keeper’s head with his left foot after a tigerish tackle from the left wing.

Callum, meanwhile, was gorging himself at the other end, clinically seizing on any errant pass and volleying home an array of goals with dead-eyed aplomb. At the other end, Peter and Liam were in similarly voracious mood; Peter got a hat-trick on the night with characteristically efficient shooting, while Liam performed his trademark roll manoeuvre to get on the scoresheet. On another night he could have had at least three, as a cheeky flicked header landed just the wrong side of the post, while another opportunity went begging after he managed to overcompensate by shooting wide of the goalie’s left and also the post.

Antonio was also in amongst the goals, capitalising on a blocked attempted clearance from Peter to ping home a nice volley, which made it something like five apiece.

After Callum had scored goal number four and Liam made it six for the Blues, Antonio was on the end of a fearsome looking crunching tackle from Chris and had to withdraw from proceedings. This should have left the Blues with an advantage and with a few minutes left the smart money would have been on them grabbing goal number thirteen on the night. However, following an abortive first whistle, play continued and Ross harried Danny and assorted Blue defenders to slam home a seventh goal for the Yellows just as the whistle was being peeped. To be fair, around half of the Blues’ players had stopped playing, but not those immediately in front of the goal.

If 6-6 sounds like a tennis score, think of Ross’s finish as a tie-breaker. We agreed that in the Golden Clog award, given to this season’s highest scorer, Ross’s ‘goal’ from Friday would be denoted with an asterisk.

To the Skinners, where a few of us watched the highly predictable death-by-a-thousand-passes 2-0 win for Spain over England. There were a few England players looking out of their depth, to be frank, which doesn’t augur well for next Summer’s Euro tournament. With Alan and Mick choosing to watch Ireland take on Bosnia-Hercegovina in the Irish pub around the corner, it was a relatively early finish to proceedings. On the way home I was checking the other scores when the terrible news from Paris started to roll in. Tomorrow night’s game at Wembley should be a highly emotional affair. I think the idea of England fans singing La Marseillaise is a very laudable one, but given that they struggle to keep time with the moronic theme from the Great Escape I think a dignified silence would best given the circumstances.

I’m off to Cornwall this weekend, so I’ll rejoin you in two weeks’ time.

The Last Empiricist

Another great night for empiricism this week, as the new Jarvis Player Attribute Statistics System (PASS) helped create another close game. Following last week’s debut for the PASS methodology, Simon Gas put it through its paces once again, with a grand total of nineteen players and two significant late changes, (Phil dropping out to be replaced by Alex).

Here’s what the super computer came up with:

Yellows: Simon Ink, Paul, me, Danny, Liam, David, Jaime, Tim, Mark and Alex

Blues: Mario, Nick, Simon Gas, Ross, Mick, Dan, Patrick, Ian Baggies, Tony

As the game kicked off the Blues looked slightly stronger and quickly took a stranglehold on possession, with Mario, Nick, Dan and Tony looking to set up Ross and the young legs of Patrick. However, around ten minutes in Tony pulled something or other and had to withdraw, a turn of events which saw Paul cross the Rubicon and pull on a Blue bib. Nine aside. Game on. 

As is the custom, Danny started off in goal for his team – this week, Yellows – and on conceding the first goal (Patrick the scorer), he was replaced by myself. The Yellows equalised through Liam, before two very soft goals saw the Blues take a 3-1 lead. First, a corner from the right wasn’t parried properly by either Simon Ink or myself to allow Ross to steal in, while a few minutes later the two Simons once more got into a defensive jam with a speculative pass that allowed Ross to nip in and ram the ball home into an empty net. “Ridiculous”, said Jaime. He wasn’t wrong.

The Yellows did manage to get back into the game, however. Having got one goal back to make it 3-2 (Mark doing the damage), Jaime scored a brilliant equaliser, running from the halfway line wide on the left before smashing the ball in off the crossbar and over the line. More was to follow: Liam calmly controlled an excellent pass from Alex to steer past the ‘keeper and suddenly the Yellows were 4-3 ahead.

Sadly, the comeback could not be completed, as the Blues scored two more – both were close range finishes as the Yellows’ legs began to tire and were unable to clear the ball. Patrick and Ross were the beneficiaries, the latter completing his hat-trick. (Props to Ross for details of all the goal scorers).

That was the end of the scoring, although the Yellows did have other chances and the game had assumed a real end-to-end feel by the close of eight ‘o’ clock. A rare week saw not one ball hammered out of the park and into the murky surrounds of Coram Fields, while controversial incidents were limited to a foul on Liam by Nick which went unpunished owing to the proximity of Ross, who provided the other slice in the Blue sandwich that done for the effervescent Scotsman.

Final score: Blues 5 – Yellows 4

To the Skinners again, with topics under discussion this week including Tim Sherwood’s abortive managerial career, the merits of Klopp versus Brendan Rodgers, plans for the Christmas do (vote Curry House!) and why young children don’t play football, or much of anything outside the home anymore. Simon Gas also filled us in on his Euro accumulator, which yielded the princely sum of £46 and Mark ended the evening by relaying the backstory behind Rangers’ demise in Scotland.

The mild weather continues and so does my PASS - see you on Friday.