Football is the New Rock (and roll)

With the nights drawing in and with hamstrings twanging like a Mississippi Delta bluesman’s guitar, we have had slightly lower numbers to choose from over the past few weeks. Cue the return of legendary post-punk front man Spizz, who rode to the rescue on his push bike complete with LED lights and Spizzenergi leggings to push the numbers up to seven aside.

While Spizz would never leave the house without gelling his peroxide hair up a la Billy Idol and donning his Spizzenergi branded biker’s jacket and leggings, age comes to us all and Spizz’s memory is clearly fading fast as while he arrived with his England shorts and Aston Villa shirt and socks he had forgotten to bring any football boots. This gave us the tantalisingly comedic prospect of Spizz playing for an hour in black leather boots complete with buckles and three inch soles, aka ‘New Rocks’. Fortunately, Steve kindly agreed to let Spizz play in his trainers, which were still around three sizes too big for the diminutive New Wave hero.

And so the game began, with the following line-ups:

Blue Bibs – Tony, Steve, Ross, Will, Paul, me, Ian Gooner

Yellow Bibs – (or green, if you are Nick Beard) Simon Gas, Danny, Nick Beard, Simon Ink, Ian Baggies, Bristolian Paul, Spizz

Yev had texted Simon Gas before the game to say that he’d be around ‘half an hour late’; sadly, this turned into a full hour, so for once the sides remained as above for the full sixty minutes.

I began the game in goal and, incredibly, didn’t let anything in. The Blue Bibs’ play was built around the metronomic passing of Will, who has brought an Iniesta-like quality to proceedings in the past two weeks, breaking up play, intercepting loose balls and sparking attacks, sometimes all in one movement. By contrast the Yellow Bibs never quite got their final ball right – Spizz was handicapped by his comedy shoes, and despite looking dangerous from corners courtesy of Danny’s movement, they struggled to impose themselves.

The final score was, I believe, 6-2 to the Blues: among the Blue goal scorers was Ian, who scored from a very tight angle when everyone was expecting a cut back from the byline, Will, who finished off a great move by receiving a ball from Ian and rounding the ‘keeper, Ross, Tony and even myself. I grabbed one from a pleasing lateral move which culminated in Ross playing a nice weighted pass so I could steer the ball inside of the near post and then scored another effort via Simon Gas which spun cruelly away from the usually peerless Simon Ink in nets.

The Yellows’ two goals both came from blunders from the Blues as first myself and then Will got caught in possession playing out from the back. Danny and Spizz took advantage.

The Yellows evening was typified by a late chance that fell to Bristolian Paul, who somehow failed to connect with an excellent through ball. The miss had the Blues clutching their heads with their hands. At the other end Steve crashed a fierce volley back of the right post and then attempted to steer home the rebound with his less favoured left peg, but the Blues managed to retain enough shape at the back to prevent the scoreline running out of control.

A reasonable turn-out at the Skinners this week, with a group of drinkers including Yev, who is a victim of what is known as ‘presenteeism’, i.e. where members of staff want to maximise their presence at work by being there for as long as possible, the emphasis being on the hours clocked up rather than the work they are doing. Yev’s new job at a reputable European financial institution is putting pay to his appearances on the pitch, sadly. Hopefully this won’t be the case for too long. Topics under discuss this week included the aforementioned working hours, but also stretched to the Merseyside derby, Sunday trading hours and the luck of being born in the late 20^th century in the long post-war boom before the present issues of entering the labour and housing market became apparent.

See you on Friday…

Simon Blatter*

Last Friday’s game saw another veritable orgy of goals (along with poor passing and terrible goalkeeping), as well as another game in which late arrivals and mid-match switches added more than a dash of farce to proceedings.

On what was the first genuinely, unequivocally Cold Night of the season, Simon Gas’s semi-legendary piece of paper provided the following two teams:

Blue bibs: Phil, Tony, Simon Gas, Danny, Geoff, me

Yellow bibs: Will (Ross’s mate), Ross, Ian (Baggies), Alan, Paul, Simon Inkpen, Steve

The game started at a deceptively slow pace and remained goalless until I replaced Danny in nets and promptly let in three goals inside about 5 minutes: the first two came from Ross, both to the near post. I’m rapidly running out of ways to say this, so I’ll settle for: ‘and then Yev arrived very late’.

This prompted the following re-jigging, (with Geoff and Paul changing teams, much to Tony’s chagrin)

Blue bibs: Phil, Tony, Simon Gas, Danny, Yev, Paul, me

Yellow bibs: Will (Ross’s mate), Ross, Ian (Baggies), Alan, Simon Inkpen, Steve, Geoff

I then managed to concede my third goal, which resulted from a 50:50 challenge with Geoff that saw the ball spill invitingly for an easy finish. With Phil and Tony up front one would have thought that the Blue Bibs would snaffle plenty of goals, but after 20 minutes or so the score was 3-0 to the Yellows.

The Beast from the East’s tardy arrival did spark a mini-revival of sorts, with Phil and Tony getting one apiece for the Blues to bring the score back slightly, but then Ross promptly went up the other end to larrup one into the far top left corner, which felt like a decisive moment. Ross eventually grabbed four goals in what ended up something like 13-5 to the Blues, who were further reduced by Phil going off with the second twanged hamstring in as much weeks. Simon Ink then moved across to make it three Simons for the Yellow team, but by this stage the (yellow) die was truly cast with pass after pass being shanked off into touch or being slightly overhit and ending with possession passing back to the Blues. One moment that probably summed my game up had me in goal expertly shepherding the ball out for what I had thought was a goal kick. Upon the ball trundling over the line Simon awarded a corner kick to the Blues.

Tony and Yev’s late flurry did little to remove the drab pallor of what was a miserable game for the Blues. Credit to the Yellows, in particular Geoff and Ross (ably aided and abetted by Will, who was excellent in midfield).

And so once more to the Skinners, were England were playing nearly as poorly as the Blue bibbed team. Tony, Simon Gas, Paul, Ross and Will also made the trip where the chief talking point was the preposterous round of drinks acquired by one bloke in his mid-20s who needs to develop an adult palate: something like four double vodka Red Bulls and a tap water, along with various other ghastly alcopops. All paid for by card, obviously. The whole operation must have taken around 10 minutes. People like that should be waterboarded with real ale.

*This week’s blog title refers to a couple of questions chucked Simon Gas’s way just before kick off.

Question 1). What happens if someone passes the ball back to the ‘keeper? Is it a free-kick to the opposition and if so, should that be indirect?

Simon’s Answer: “It should be, yes.” (Is that a yes or a maybe?)

Question 2). Is the ‘keeper allowed to kick the ball out overhead or are we playing throw-outs only?

Simon’s Answer: “Probably just a throw”.

That’s cleared all that up, then.

Housekeeping

In some Christmas news, Coram Fields will be closed on Friday 13^th December for their seasonal beano, meaning that they’ll only be two games in December - the 6^th and the 20^th. Hostilities resume on the 10^th January, in the year of our Lord Two Thousand and Fourteen.  

Too many goals to count...

Greetings, Spizzenergi football blog fans. After a mid-season hiatus prompted by a couple of Friday night gigs and a fair degree of ennui, the match reports are back and feeling suitably refreshed. Last week’s game at Coram Fields was an extremely one-sided affair, but I will endeavour to provide an accurate account. 

Here goes...

Simon Gas’s pre-match selection plans were thrown slightly off kilter by the non-appearance of Yev, who has moved on from merely arriving very late to not arriving at all. As such, the two teams lined up thusly:

Blue Bibs: Bristol Rovers Paul, Simon Gas, goalkeeping Phil, Tony, Alex, Alex’s mate from Stoke (Alywn?), Ian West Brom, Mick

Yellow Bibs: David, me, Dan, Danny, Liam, Paul (Guvnor), mercurial punk legend Spizz, Ian Gooner, Jay

Simon’s hopes for an evenly poised game initially looked good, as both sides traded a goal apiece (the Yellows equaliser coming from a charged down goal kick which rebounded off Spizz, who duly celebrated like Tardelli in Spain ’82), but Alex’s ham was strung a few minutes into proceedings and he could take no further part. Sad to say, that may well be prove to be the final game for the Potteries maestro and sometime Bolshevik this side of Christmas. In an attempt to balance up the two teams Ian Gooner was transferred over to the Blue Bibs, leaving the teams looking more like this:

Blue Bibs: Bristol Rovers Paul, Simon Gas, goalkeeping Phil, Tony, Ian Gooner, Alex’s mate from Stoke (Alywn?), Ian West Brom, Mick

Yellow Bibs: David, me, Dan, Danny, Liam, Paul (Guvnor), mercurial punk legend Spizz, Jay

From being linked at one each, the Blue Bibs roared into an unassailable lead, rattling in goal after goal. Mick thinks that he scored three, but it may well have been four; Tony was also on hand to increase the pain for the Yellows. I’ll have a go at recalling some of the efforts – I was in between the sticks to see Mick cheekily flick one off his instep from a corner which flew in off the far post, (I was also on hand to drop a Joe Hart-style clanger from a weak effort from Tony). Ian Gooner bagged one following a neat ball from Mick, who was patrolling the right touch-line fairly menacingly, and tucked the ball home past Paul who had been left shamefully exposed by the dearth of yellow-bibbed defenders. As the score kept going up the Yellows’ efforts started to look increasingly forlorn – Spizz, Dan, Jay and Liam all could have scored but were foiled either by specialist goalkeeper Phil, the woodwork, or by their own wayward finishing. 

In terms of other memorable incidents I missed a free kick awarded to the Blues and proceeded to play on to try and bring some semblance of dignity to proceedings, but such was our profligacy and ill-fortune it came to nought. 

The Yellows did manage to get two goals back toward the end – one from Dan – but it was still a shellacking of the highest order as the final score was 10-3 to the Blue Bibs.

All in all, a game to forget for at least eight of us and one that saw an unfortunate injury to arguably our best player. And so to the Skinners Arms, where a reasonable number of us repaired for a post-mortem on the evening’s game. I ended up in a discussion with Alex, his fellow man of letters and erstwhile school mate, Mick and Paul which veered into the realms of Marxist theory and the seemingly inexorable decline of 21^st century capitalism. Made a change from moaning about the changes in modern football, anyway.

The pulsating 5-5 draw revisited!!

In a bid to bring some order to a group of headless chickens, Gashead Simon had invested in a whistle, which he used to good effect so as to call time on the guys playing before us. These two teams really knew how to play football, long raking passes, tracking back and no agricultural tackles while goal mouth chances were clinically dispatched. When we came on the Blues v the Different Shirts, there was shocking stuff played amongst some good things. Gashead Simon seemed to go through a spell of attempting laser-precision passes down the left wing and failing. However, his general play was represented as usual by a steely determination not to lose a tackle.

Gashead Simon was playing on the Different Shirts side, which comprised of Gashead Paul, me the Guv'nor,
Phil B. Phil the Goalie, Alex, and Nick. While the Blues had Mick K., Liam, Danny, Ian G, Alan Morg and one other. I can't remember the full teams but the Blues had one less and were the moral victors coming back from 3-1 down to gain an advantage of 5-3 before Alex and Nick dragged us back into the game to equalise. We nearly won it when a rasping shot from Alex clipped the post. He was our best player with Gashead Paul brilliant in defence. Paul made an amazing recovery to stop Liam scoring. The Celtic supporter  won the first ever penalty I have seen at Coram Fields after being dragged down by Phil the Goalie. This might have been a straight red in real football. Liam dispatched the ball clinically but it went through the net and climbed over the fence into the playground next door.

Liam and Mick K. were the star players for the Blues, who were augmented at the end by a late-running Yev, who has started a new job in the City. He scored a late goal, which was chalked off since the Coram Fields Centre had called time for us to come off the pitch. This deprived Gashead Simon of using his new whistle.

Phil B.scored a wonder goal dribbling along the touchline for the Different Shirts and his curvy corners are a wonder to behold. Although the Blues, I think, got an easy breakaway goal from one of them. Mick K. says that the most likely result from a corner is a goal the opposite end.

It was a shame we missed Spizz but the Bristol connection was in play with Paul and Simon, Gasheads both.
Danny and Alan Morg played a defensive role for the Blues. Obviously, the next match report will be better marked by a return of the peerless prose of Gooner Simon.

Spizz missed the match preparing for his gig in Bristol.

A pulsating 5-5 draw last Friday at Coram Fields was missed by Spizz, who was preparing for his band's gig in Bristol the following night. Spizz and co have been writing some new material, which I think sounds pretty good.

Tales from the Fireside

This week’s blog comes to you through a fug of snot, tissues and empty sachets of Lemsip so apologies in advance for any errors in accuracy, grammar or typography.

Last Friday’s match was a well fought 4-4 draw. Through the fog of my man ‘flu symptoms I believe that the two teams were as follows:

Bibs – me, David, Alex, Steve, Yev, Andy, a new bloke called Arran (?), Spizz, Mark, Ross 

Colours – Simon Gas, Paul, Danny, Dan, Ian, Nick (beard), Liam, old(er) Phil, specialist goalkeeper Phil

The Bibs tore into a three goal lead – the first two goals coming from Mark, who was cutting in from the wide left to great effect and the third coming from Alex who found himself about two yards out following some slick interplay between himself and Yev. Danny had gone close earlier, uncharacteristically missing a free header, but all looked set fair for the Bibs.

Dan, however, had other ideas. Chiefly through his supreme efforts in midfield he dragged the Colours level, with one of his goals coming from a lung bursting run down the left where he squeezed a shot in between the last defender (me) and the goalkeeper’s near post. 

Another outing for mercurial new wave icon Spizz, although the shock-haired rock front man was a little off the pace this week, contriving to miss a number of chances that he would usually tuck away with what they used to call ‘great aplomb’, including one gilt-edged header which bobbled wide of the post from a centre by myself. The Friday night multitude seem to be coming to grips with the new head high rule and there were a number of headed efforts, one from Ian reminiscent of Steve Bould in his pomp as he gave it the eyebrows from a corner only to see the ball plop just over the bar. 

The Colours’ superb come back appeared complete when they took a four-three lead, only for Steve to restore parity with a driven shot that had him commentating on his own finishing. Four apiece it ended, although Simon Gas was accused of blowing up too soon to settle for a draw, much the chagrin of the Bibs in particular, who felt that momentum was on their side.  Probably the right result, in all honesty and as Simon remarked those playing on after the declaration of full-time were reminiscent of Japanese soldiers emerging from the jungles of South East Asia in the 1950’s still believing the war to be on. 

And so to the Skinners Arms where we managed to catch the back-end of the first half of the England game and the entire second half, which was the one with all the goals in. A reasonably good turn out this week, no doubt helped by the added incentive of the World Cup qualifier. Despite Ian’s misgivings about Roy Hodgson’s ability to select an attacking side I thought that picking Andros Townsend was a bold move and one that clearly paid off. The Scottish landlord’s Highland yell when Montenegro scored was soon silenced by England’s third goal. The most notable incident from the pub this week was my inadvertent theft of Ian’s pint – I’d bought a pint of something called Fireside which on reflection should have been thrown there, while Ian had ordered the altogether more palatable Haka. 

There’ll be more tasting notes from me in a couple of weeks as I am going to see former Smith’s guitarist Johnny Marr on Friday. Play up and play the game.