Simon Blatter*

Last Friday’s game saw another veritable orgy of goals (along with poor passing and terrible goalkeeping), as well as another game in which late arrivals and mid-match switches added more than a dash of farce to proceedings.

On what was the first genuinely, unequivocally Cold Night of the season, Simon Gas’s semi-legendary piece of paper provided the following two teams:

Blue bibs: Phil, Tony, Simon Gas, Danny, Geoff, me

Yellow bibs: Will (Ross’s mate), Ross, Ian (Baggies), Alan, Paul, Simon Inkpen, Steve

The game started at a deceptively slow pace and remained goalless until I replaced Danny in nets and promptly let in three goals inside about 5 minutes: the first two came from Ross, both to the near post. I’m rapidly running out of ways to say this, so I’ll settle for: ‘and then Yev arrived very late’.

This prompted the following re-jigging, (with Geoff and Paul changing teams, much to Tony’s chagrin)

Blue bibs: Phil, Tony, Simon Gas, Danny, Yev, Paul, me

Yellow bibs: Will (Ross’s mate), Ross, Ian (Baggies), Alan, Simon Inkpen, Steve, Geoff

I then managed to concede my third goal, which resulted from a 50:50 challenge with Geoff that saw the ball spill invitingly for an easy finish. With Phil and Tony up front one would have thought that the Blue Bibs would snaffle plenty of goals, but after 20 minutes or so the score was 3-0 to the Yellows.

The Beast from the East’s tardy arrival did spark a mini-revival of sorts, with Phil and Tony getting one apiece for the Blues to bring the score back slightly, but then Ross promptly went up the other end to larrup one into the far top left corner, which felt like a decisive moment. Ross eventually grabbed four goals in what ended up something like 13-5 to the Blues, who were further reduced by Phil going off with the second twanged hamstring in as much weeks. Simon Ink then moved across to make it three Simons for the Yellow team, but by this stage the (yellow) die was truly cast with pass after pass being shanked off into touch or being slightly overhit and ending with possession passing back to the Blues. One moment that probably summed my game up had me in goal expertly shepherding the ball out for what I had thought was a goal kick. Upon the ball trundling over the line Simon awarded a corner kick to the Blues.

Tony and Yev’s late flurry did little to remove the drab pallor of what was a miserable game for the Blues. Credit to the Yellows, in particular Geoff and Ross (ably aided and abetted by Will, who was excellent in midfield).

And so once more to the Skinners, were England were playing nearly as poorly as the Blue bibbed team. Tony, Simon Gas, Paul, Ross and Will also made the trip where the chief talking point was the preposterous round of drinks acquired by one bloke in his mid-20s who needs to develop an adult palate: something like four double vodka Red Bulls and a tap water, along with various other ghastly alcopops. All paid for by card, obviously. The whole operation must have taken around 10 minutes. People like that should be waterboarded with real ale.

*This week’s blog title refers to a couple of questions chucked Simon Gas’s way just before kick off.

Question 1). What happens if someone passes the ball back to the ‘keeper? Is it a free-kick to the opposition and if so, should that be indirect?

Simon’s Answer: “It should be, yes.” (Is that a yes or a maybe?)

Question 2). Is the ‘keeper allowed to kick the ball out overhead or are we playing throw-outs only?

Simon’s Answer: “Probably just a throw”.

That’s cleared all that up, then.

Housekeeping

In some Christmas news, Coram Fields will be closed on Friday 13^th December for their seasonal beano, meaning that they’ll only be two games in December - the 6^th and the 20^th. Hostilities resume on the 10^th January, in the year of our Lord Two Thousand and Fourteen.  

Too many goals to count...

Greetings, Spizzenergi football blog fans. After a mid-season hiatus prompted by a couple of Friday night gigs and a fair degree of ennui, the match reports are back and feeling suitably refreshed. Last week’s game at Coram Fields was an extremely one-sided affair, but I will endeavour to provide an accurate account. 

Here goes...

Simon Gas’s pre-match selection plans were thrown slightly off kilter by the non-appearance of Yev, who has moved on from merely arriving very late to not arriving at all. As such, the two teams lined up thusly:

Blue Bibs: Bristol Rovers Paul, Simon Gas, goalkeeping Phil, Tony, Alex, Alex’s mate from Stoke (Alywn?), Ian West Brom, Mick

Yellow Bibs: David, me, Dan, Danny, Liam, Paul (Guvnor), mercurial punk legend Spizz, Ian Gooner, Jay

Simon’s hopes for an evenly poised game initially looked good, as both sides traded a goal apiece (the Yellows equaliser coming from a charged down goal kick which rebounded off Spizz, who duly celebrated like Tardelli in Spain ’82), but Alex’s ham was strung a few minutes into proceedings and he could take no further part. Sad to say, that may well be prove to be the final game for the Potteries maestro and sometime Bolshevik this side of Christmas. In an attempt to balance up the two teams Ian Gooner was transferred over to the Blue Bibs, leaving the teams looking more like this:

Blue Bibs: Bristol Rovers Paul, Simon Gas, goalkeeping Phil, Tony, Ian Gooner, Alex’s mate from Stoke (Alywn?), Ian West Brom, Mick

Yellow Bibs: David, me, Dan, Danny, Liam, Paul (Guvnor), mercurial punk legend Spizz, Jay

From being linked at one each, the Blue Bibs roared into an unassailable lead, rattling in goal after goal. Mick thinks that he scored three, but it may well have been four; Tony was also on hand to increase the pain for the Yellows. I’ll have a go at recalling some of the efforts – I was in between the sticks to see Mick cheekily flick one off his instep from a corner which flew in off the far post, (I was also on hand to drop a Joe Hart-style clanger from a weak effort from Tony). Ian Gooner bagged one following a neat ball from Mick, who was patrolling the right touch-line fairly menacingly, and tucked the ball home past Paul who had been left shamefully exposed by the dearth of yellow-bibbed defenders. As the score kept going up the Yellows’ efforts started to look increasingly forlorn – Spizz, Dan, Jay and Liam all could have scored but were foiled either by specialist goalkeeper Phil, the woodwork, or by their own wayward finishing. 

In terms of other memorable incidents I missed a free kick awarded to the Blues and proceeded to play on to try and bring some semblance of dignity to proceedings, but such was our profligacy and ill-fortune it came to nought. 

The Yellows did manage to get two goals back toward the end – one from Dan – but it was still a shellacking of the highest order as the final score was 10-3 to the Blue Bibs.

All in all, a game to forget for at least eight of us and one that saw an unfortunate injury to arguably our best player. And so to the Skinners Arms, where a reasonable number of us repaired for a post-mortem on the evening’s game. I ended up in a discussion with Alex, his fellow man of letters and erstwhile school mate, Mick and Paul which veered into the realms of Marxist theory and the seemingly inexorable decline of 21^st century capitalism. Made a change from moaning about the changes in modern football, anyway.

The pulsating 5-5 draw revisited!!

In a bid to bring some order to a group of headless chickens, Gashead Simon had invested in a whistle, which he used to good effect so as to call time on the guys playing before us. These two teams really knew how to play football, long raking passes, tracking back and no agricultural tackles while goal mouth chances were clinically dispatched. When we came on the Blues v the Different Shirts, there was shocking stuff played amongst some good things. Gashead Simon seemed to go through a spell of attempting laser-precision passes down the left wing and failing. However, his general play was represented as usual by a steely determination not to lose a tackle.

Gashead Simon was playing on the Different Shirts side, which comprised of Gashead Paul, me the Guv'nor,
Phil B. Phil the Goalie, Alex, and Nick. While the Blues had Mick K., Liam, Danny, Ian G, Alan Morg and one other. I can't remember the full teams but the Blues had one less and were the moral victors coming back from 3-1 down to gain an advantage of 5-3 before Alex and Nick dragged us back into the game to equalise. We nearly won it when a rasping shot from Alex clipped the post. He was our best player with Gashead Paul brilliant in defence. Paul made an amazing recovery to stop Liam scoring. The Celtic supporter  won the first ever penalty I have seen at Coram Fields after being dragged down by Phil the Goalie. This might have been a straight red in real football. Liam dispatched the ball clinically but it went through the net and climbed over the fence into the playground next door.

Liam and Mick K. were the star players for the Blues, who were augmented at the end by a late-running Yev, who has started a new job in the City. He scored a late goal, which was chalked off since the Coram Fields Centre had called time for us to come off the pitch. This deprived Gashead Simon of using his new whistle.

Phil B.scored a wonder goal dribbling along the touchline for the Different Shirts and his curvy corners are a wonder to behold. Although the Blues, I think, got an easy breakaway goal from one of them. Mick K. says that the most likely result from a corner is a goal the opposite end.

It was a shame we missed Spizz but the Bristol connection was in play with Paul and Simon, Gasheads both.
Danny and Alan Morg played a defensive role for the Blues. Obviously, the next match report will be better marked by a return of the peerless prose of Gooner Simon.

Spizz missed the match preparing for his gig in Bristol.

A pulsating 5-5 draw last Friday at Coram Fields was missed by Spizz, who was preparing for his band's gig in Bristol the following night. Spizz and co have been writing some new material, which I think sounds pretty good.

Tales from the Fireside

This week’s blog comes to you through a fug of snot, tissues and empty sachets of Lemsip so apologies in advance for any errors in accuracy, grammar or typography.

Last Friday’s match was a well fought 4-4 draw. Through the fog of my man ‘flu symptoms I believe that the two teams were as follows:

Bibs – me, David, Alex, Steve, Yev, Andy, a new bloke called Arran (?), Spizz, Mark, Ross 

Colours – Simon Gas, Paul, Danny, Dan, Ian, Nick (beard), Liam, old(er) Phil, specialist goalkeeper Phil

The Bibs tore into a three goal lead – the first two goals coming from Mark, who was cutting in from the wide left to great effect and the third coming from Alex who found himself about two yards out following some slick interplay between himself and Yev. Danny had gone close earlier, uncharacteristically missing a free header, but all looked set fair for the Bibs.

Dan, however, had other ideas. Chiefly through his supreme efforts in midfield he dragged the Colours level, with one of his goals coming from a lung bursting run down the left where he squeezed a shot in between the last defender (me) and the goalkeeper’s near post. 

Another outing for mercurial new wave icon Spizz, although the shock-haired rock front man was a little off the pace this week, contriving to miss a number of chances that he would usually tuck away with what they used to call ‘great aplomb’, including one gilt-edged header which bobbled wide of the post from a centre by myself. The Friday night multitude seem to be coming to grips with the new head high rule and there were a number of headed efforts, one from Ian reminiscent of Steve Bould in his pomp as he gave it the eyebrows from a corner only to see the ball plop just over the bar. 

The Colours’ superb come back appeared complete when they took a four-three lead, only for Steve to restore parity with a driven shot that had him commentating on his own finishing. Four apiece it ended, although Simon Gas was accused of blowing up too soon to settle for a draw, much the chagrin of the Bibs in particular, who felt that momentum was on their side.  Probably the right result, in all honesty and as Simon remarked those playing on after the declaration of full-time were reminiscent of Japanese soldiers emerging from the jungles of South East Asia in the 1950’s still believing the war to be on. 

And so to the Skinners Arms where we managed to catch the back-end of the first half of the England game and the entire second half, which was the one with all the goals in. A reasonably good turn out this week, no doubt helped by the added incentive of the World Cup qualifier. Despite Ian’s misgivings about Roy Hodgson’s ability to select an attacking side I thought that picking Andros Townsend was a bold move and one that clearly paid off. The Scottish landlord’s Highland yell when Montenegro scored was soon silenced by England’s third goal. The most notable incident from the pub this week was my inadvertent theft of Ian’s pint – I’d bought a pint of something called Fireside which on reflection should have been thrown there, while Ian had ordered the altogether more palatable Haka. 

There’ll be more tasting notes from me in a couple of weeks as I am going to see former Smith’s guitarist Johnny Marr on Friday. Play up and play the game.  

The Blue Ninja

The nights are drawing in and the weeks are hurtling toward the inevitable onset of Winter, but the air around Coram Fields remains balmy and the turn out for each Friday night is as plentiful as the leaves starting to fall from the trees.

But enough of the pseudo-poetic Autumnal preamble and on with the football. This week Simon Gas once more pre-selected two teams, albeit featuring two teams both with himself in. A somewhat schizophrenic choice, you might say.

The aforementioned teams were as follows:

Bibs – me, Alex, Danny, Simon Ink, goalkeeping Phil, Paul, Ross, Kiwi Nick (eventually), Tony

Colours – Simon Gas, Steve, Andy, Kiwi Nick, old Phil, Alan, Liam, the even later than usual Yev, Paul’s mate Paul

For the first time in the 2013/14 season the game was won by the odd goal – the odd goal in seven, to be precise.

Alex scored the opener in typically swashbuckling fashion, beating three or four players before slamming the ball into the bottom right hand corner - a goal that he seems to score every week. Paul, who spent the majority of the game lurking quite literally in the shadows like a bespectacled, blue-bibbed ninja, got the Bibs’ second goal following Alex’s closing down of Andy in goal. The ball broke to the edge of the area where Paul suddenly materialised, wraith-like, and methodically larruped the ball home. 

On the score sheet for the Colours was Alan, clad in green and white hoops like his celtic (note the absence of a capital letter there) team-mate Liam, who was wearing a, err, Celtic shirt. (That’s why grammar matters, kids). One of his goals came via a blocked tackle that deflected in – Alan knows how his other finish came. 

With the scores level at three apiece, (©Tony Gubba), enter the beast from the east, Yev (initially in goal). As the Bibs’ legs were getting steadily heavier in the unseasonably muggy night air the prospect of the Colours having a man extra and that man being Yev prompted a rare moment of pragmatism and Kiwi Nick switched sides to help shore up the Bibs defence. The winning goal came from Simon Ink – 4-3 it finished, and we all trudged back to the upstairs deluxe changing rooms, complete with roaring radiator.

A veritable bumper crowd at the Skinners Arms this week, with topics under consideration including the moral vacuum that is FIFA and in particular the 2022 Qatar World Cup, mobile phone contracts, the woes of Sheffield United and lovebites. Nothing if not dull, eh?

Friday night takes to the skies

There could have been any number of titles for this week’s match report:  ‘Reach for the stars’; ‘Aerial bombardment’; ‘Simon gives us the heads up’ (actually that’s better than the one I went for); ‘Airborne means playing more’, etc. etc. 

But the key fact is this: as of Friday 27^th September 2013 the Coram Fields Football Association are playing football above head height - not just from corners, but from throw-ons (I know, I know), passes between players and hoofed clearances. The only concession to the ancien regime is that goalkeepers must still keep their throws and goalkicks under head height to prevent the games descending into a sort of Bobby Gould tribute act. 

Key to this decision was Simon’s understandable reluctance to spend ten minutes of every Friday evening being moaned out for making a judgement on whether or not a ball had passed over head height. When you consider that I am around 5 foot 7 (on a good day) and people like Ian are nearer 6 foot 5 you can understand why the over heads rule caused so much contention. But not any more.

So, rule changes aside, how did the game go, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. For a start, the mercurial post-punk legend and “Spike Milligan of Punk” (Paul Morley) made an all too rare appearance. He was part of the team that ended up on the wrong end of an 8-3 shellacking, although that doesn’t do the game justice. 

The two teams went as thus – 

Bibs:                 me, David, Alex, Ian West Brom, Phil, Spizz, Nick (beard), Simon Ink

Colours:           Simon Gas, Danny, Ian Arsenal, Yev, Liam, Andy, Ross, Steve, the prodigal Tony 

The more mathematically minded among you will have spotted that the Colours had a one man advantage – sadly, the majority of the players on the Bibs’ team can’t count. Thus, when the Colours took a 4-1 lead Simon Gas offered to give the Bibs another player (Andy, in this instance), only for the outraged Bibs to furiously refuse such a slight on their skill and work ethic. To be fair, I realised that we were a man short from the off, but such was the determination amongst the Bibs to get back on terms with the players we had that I went along with the consensus. That indignation at Simon Gas’s gentlemanly offer had much to do with the paucity of ‘defending’ that ushered in those four goals – no shape at the back, a man over (funny that) and some hara-kari style play that made it all too easy for the Bibs.

The real story of the game was that despite having a potent strike force in Spizz and Phil aside from the midfield tour de force that is Alex, there wasn’t enough legs in midfield for the Bibs to combat the combined merits of Danny-Liam-Steve-Ross and Tony, who combined youthful running with some finishing from Yev that wasn’t so much clinical, as akin to that of a vivisectionist.

And yet despite the final result the score stood at 4-3 for around twenty minutes. Although Spizz grabbed the opener with a characteristic finish which took him past the last defender and somewhat more scenically around the ‘keeper, he struggled to get any more, with Steve, Danny and Simon Gas all proving  too much for the admittedly reduced ranks of the Bibs to get through. Alex got one of his traditional Roy of the Rovers goals, beating everyone on the pitch before burying the ball unerringly in the corner, and I’m guessing that Phil got the other Bibs goal.

I think that Yev must have plundered at least five of the Colours efforts, nearly all of which came from the Colours making better use of the new overhead rule and getting the ball to him early and quickly. Which is a nice way of saying that he was goal hanging, something that even Spizz had the temerity to comment on, the pink teapot on his metaphorical football kit rapidly turning into the darkest shade of black. The one goal Yev scored that definitely did not come via goal hanging saw him receive the ball in midfield and accelerate past the hapless defender (me) to run  full pelt down the left and smash the ball past Alex at the near post. He was injured mind you, (Alex, not Yev), having been given a dead leg by Steve.

Ah, Steve. Despite this characteristically muscular intervention from the sometime Scotsman, Steve displayed admirable restraint in not launching the ball into the stratosphere every time danger lurked, much to the surprise of Ian, who had suggested a new measurement of distance, with one Aiton = one quarter of the pitch. Just one of his clearances measured more than two Aitons, although how Steve will respond if his team are leading by the odd goal with mere minutes left on the clock remains to be seen.

And so to the pub, where Liam, Spizz, Simon, me, Ian, Yev, Tony and Simon Ink all repaired. I spent most of the evening discussing all things Arsenal FC with Ian, which is a very pleasurable thing to do at the moment.  Not sure what everyone else talked about, but it may well have been the sultry American barmaid.

Until Friday...