My daughter’s
appalling cold and conjunctivitis means that I have had to take time off work
and for readers of the Friday night football blog very loosely connected to
Spizzenergi’s frontman Spizz, that means the very real boon of a slew of match
reports to ruminate over as you while away the time at work and count down the
days to the Christmas holiday.
‘Tis the
season of giving!
There’s been
four games since the last blog, three of which took place while our spiritual
football shaman, Simon Gas, holidays in other people’s misery. He’s due back on
Friday.
I was not present for the first of these two matches, so props to Paul
for the following report (the game on the 17th November is lost to
posterity):
24th
November 2017
(Think of
this like some sort of stream of consciousness ‘beat’ style report, with scant
regard for form or meter). My editor’s notes are [in square brackets]
Blues 0 - Yellows 2. I can't remember the first goal but the
second was a horrible own-goal where Danny contrived to net in goal… Perhaps
the Yellows should play with a handicap since the Blues were finding it hard in
the murky conditions.
It was especially hard to find Mario, who had layered up in the
balmy conditions with gloves, bobble hat and stylish Italian jacket (Armani? [Possible racism there])
Mario responded to some gentle ribbing about the Italian national
side and their failure to qualify for the World Cup by saying that he is
supporting England and is getting a British passport. [One in the eye for the Brexiteers].
Player of the match was Simon Ink, according to Mick K, who both appeared
on the Yellow side. The Oxford scholar has said in the past that some serious
post-doctoral research should be done on what number of players is needed when
goals are scarce due to a bit of organisation. Mick K. studied PPE and said we
should take a philosophical view of the rude and sarcastic barracking from a
spectator.
Tony made a welcome return [Paul’s words not
mine; is this connected to Mario’s passport news?] and shored up the defence
for the Blues with Joe. Simon Jarv. rolled back the years and went to a sixty
pound Blondie concert [it’s true – the highlight was having a row with some young
ladies who kept taking selfies].
I thought human happiness could have been better served with a
mega round in the Skinners. Simon Gashead picked the teams and for the Blues
saved a vicious shot from Mick K. Amazing since he should play with glasses
since his vision is so bad. Ross, Joe's friend Nick and Liam helped Pat K push
back the Blues. At the end Yev twisted his ankle and Danny took him home in his
car. My route would have taken the West End and check up on a few girlz.
So there,
you have it – plenty of information there. Final score: Blues 0 Yellows 2
There was
also what I think you’ll agree is a highly engaging and entertaining review of
the post-match action from the Skinners. This missive was titled “The
Ross campaign for head-high collapses under shock news!!”
Apparently,
he [i.e.
Ross] is moving to Oslo.
The band has mixed views while there was a surreal moment when Goughie was
asking questions in Norwegian to Ross using an app and getting replies back.
Then,
Goughie and Simon Ink got trays of schnapps and vodka to celebrate. Yev then started
waxing lyrical about how dangerous Arctic bears are but we think they will be 1,000
miles away so Ross will be safe.
That brings
up to Friday 1st December, when I was back in action.
This will
also have to be a fairly sketchy report, but I can at least provide a roll call
of players: Simon Ink, me, Ian Gooner, Tony, Peter, Ross, James (Ross’s mate),
Michele, Adolpho, Mario, Mark, Steve, Paul, Liam, Joe, Bristol Paul and Ed.
Given that Danny also played, despite not being present on the list of
participants that Simon Gas sent across from the jungles of Burma, we ended up
with two lop-sided teams but we made an early change, with Danny crossing the
Rubicon and, arguably, ending up on both winning teams.
I think the
first match, if that’s we are going to call it, finished about 4-1 to whichever
side Danny was on; having changed bibs the second game then finished 2-0. From
memory, Ian Gooner had another great game as sort of Forest Gate Franco Baresi
and Tony’s return from exile showed that he’d lost none of his considerable
ability. I can remember letting in a goal from Mark, who steered one home
through a thicket of players from just outside the box (well done, Mark), while
I believe Adolpho, who is as good a chest player as Marouane Fellaini,
unleashed a few screamers, at least one of which reached its target.
Other events
included myself blasting ver the fence, which saw me make the trudge
of shame after the game to retrieve the ball, Steve careering around with
customary menace and Liam scoring some goals. Oh, and I think Simon Ink opened
the scoring with a trundling volley that caught the defence cold.
Onto Friday
just gone, i.e. 8th December.
Rather fewer
players to choose from, but here are your two teams:
Blues:
David, Danny, Ian Baggies, me, Patrick, Nick (eventually), James, Andy
Yellows:
Tony, Mick, Paul, Ross, Mario, Ed, Steve
A good game
this, settled by the odd goal in eleven (one of which I scored!). The teams were
actually seven aside for the first twenty minutes or so, but despite having a
demonstrably stronger team it took the Yellows some time to get going, chiefly
as the Blues were playing well, keeping shape and putting in some excellent
individual performances (I thought David had a very good game, in particular).
But with talents like Mario and Tony pinging around the passes up front and
Mick marshalling the rear, they began to take advantage and took something like
a 3-1 lead. Mario was involved in at least one of these, memorably steering home following a cute through ball from Tony.
At this stage Nick arrived and his quicksilver feet, allied with
some strong running from James and Patrick’s ability to storm from box-to-box
tipped the game in the Blues favour.
Relatively
little controversy, bar the odd disputed foul, and Nick and Patrick in
particular got some great goals. However, arguably the goal of the game was
Danny’s; he carried the ball upfield looking to pass to either me or Nick, but
with the Blue defenders backing off and backing off he eventually decided to
put his head down and the ensuring shot swept up into the top corner. (My goal,
since we’re here, came from a shot from Patrick that bounced off the post – I dutifully
tapped in the rebound).
The final,
and winning, goal of the game was Andy’s, as an epic piece of goalhanging that saw
him nudge the ball past the ‘keeper after Nick had taken aim from distance.
However, the
most memorable moment of this, or possibly any other game, was the sight of
Paul ‘The Guvnor’ skipping off to collect the ball from the adjacent pitch. As
he went on his merry way his strides grew shorter and shorter. This was because his progress was slowed by his baby blue
shorts slipping inexorably down his thighs, knees, calves and coming to rest gently around
his ankles. As Mick opined at the time, the game as not yet won, and this was
no time for risqué celebrations.
Final score:
Blues 6 - Yellows 5
A brief
update from the pub, as Paul, Ross, David and myself discussed the moribund
state of the music industry and the stranglehold of BBC 6 Music on what might
once have been deemed ‘alternative’ music.
Simon
returns on Friday for the 2017 Christmas spectacular, with Danny et al taking
in the late night session at the Comedy Store.
Here endeth
your match round-up.
