Lucky number

More fun and games this week, as nineteen players once again drew up at Bloomsbury’s Coram Fields to show off their footballing wares.

Here are your two teams –

Blues: Ian Gooner, Ian Baggies, Simon Gas, Nick, Mick, Peter, Yev, Mario and Callum

Yellows: me, Andy, Steve, Danny, Tony, Ed, Alessandro, Adolpho, David and Paul

Now, a word about the starting line-ups. As David, Yev and Mick were all late arriving to one extent or another, and all three had been slated to start for the Blues, I allowed Peter to play as a Blue, as the alternative would have the Yellows starting with ten against seven. This, I think we can agree, would have been absurd.

Mick was first to arrive, followed by Yev, while David rocked up at around 7.15 owing to a late-running train. As such, the Yellows had nine players for around fifteen minutes while the Blues had first seven, then eight and finally nine with the arrival of Yev.

I mention all of this because I think it’s fair to say that there was some controversy about the team selection with players on both teams complaining that they were not fairly balanced. As I’ve said time and again, if people could find it within themselves to arrive on time then we would have far fewer problems with perceived fairness, but my exhortations seem to fall on deaf ears.

Anyway, onto the match report.

The Yellows took the lead through a friend of Alessandro’s named Adolpho who turned out to what Jamie Redknapp would no doubt term “a proper player”. Despite his first name, the bearded Italian played not on the (far) right wing but what I believe his countrymen would label ‘centro campista’ (this based on the few bits of Italian I learnt watching Italia 90 all those years ago) and he had a very fine game.

Peter leathered in an equaliser before the Yellows scored twice more; first Alessandro coyly flicked his ankle at the ball in a highly speculative fashion, with his impudence being rewarded as he caught Ian Baggies unawares in goal. Next, another strange goal, this time from Steel City goal-machine Andy, who charged down a ball in midfield which careered off of his shins and trundled home from all of about twenty yards. Yellows 3 – Blues 1.

At this stage the relatively light clamouring from people about the fairness of the two teams reached a level I am going to label ‘tumultuous’, but the Blues had plenty of fire power and had they not been up against specialist goalkeeper Ed for much of the first half would surely have found themselves on terms. Nick struck the outside of the post with a deft flick; later either Mario or Yev also saw the ball come back off the upright. Later still, Yev contrived to miss of the most presentable chances of the evening after Mario picked him out with calmly delivered yet deadly through ball.

With Mick, Nick and Callum all teeing up Mario and Yev the Blues did get two more goals, but could never quite get the equaliser that they sought and the killer goal came after I prodded Ed through wide on the right, with the speedy netminder proving that he can score as well as save as he raced onto the through ball and volleyed home to make it 5-2.

There was still time for Mario to pull one back for the Blues before the final whistle, but that concluded the evening’s goalscoring activity. 

Final score: Blues 3 – Yellows 5.

No pub for me this week, as the outlaws were in town and She Who Must Be Obeyed was keen for me to put in an appearance before they left for Cornwall. Suffice to say that it looked like a wonderful evening for drinking beer in the open air.

See you all in two weeks’ time. I’ve won a competition to appear as centre half for Arsenal FC in the FA Cup Final after Stan Kroenke looked to assuage angry season ticket holders by holding a ballot for one lucky customer to appear alongside Rob Holding on Saturday. What can I say, my lucky number came up. 

Twin Peaks

Yet another week rolls by as we head into glorious Summer and another match report for you to peruse while you sit in your office and complain about how muggy it is.

A bumper turn out again this week – here are your teams:

Blues: Simon Gas, Ed, Mark, Aussie Tom, Peter, Charlie, Mick, Liam and Alessandro

Yellows: me, Andy, Ian Gooner, Danny, Alan, Steve, Joe, Tony, Bristol Paul and Mario

Ten plays nine there, with the team featuring ten players having more than their fair share of duffers. The stronger Blue team took the lead through Liam, but the Yellows drew level from a fabulous equaliser from Mario who deftly volleyed in a centre from Alan that crept inside the near post beyond the grasp of our leading goalkeeping light, Ed.

The stronger Blue team then became even stronger, as Tony once again decided that the admittedly annoying tree pollen that swirls around Bloomsbury at this time of year was preventing him from breathing, (he managed to communicate this to his team-mates while still opening and closing his mouth and showing all signs of ingesting carbon dioxide). Thus we then had the seemingly weekly spectacle of Tony mournfully and deliberately removing his bib and trudging back to the changing rooms softly shaking his head.

With two teams of nine but with a weaker line-up the Yellows were now very much up against it and the Blues began to dominate possession, with Peter, Charlie, Mick and Alessandro recycling the ball and setting up chances for Liam in particular. Like the Luftwaffe in 1940, they also sought to achieve total aerial dominance with the Twin Peaks of Peter and Charlie combining to win most of the headers in midfield, which meant that the Yellows had to try and play out from the full-backs.

Charlie and Peter were both on the scoresheet as the Blue team roared ahead, and had it not been for a veritable tour de force of a performance from Joe, which Andy rightly described as a pleasure to watch, the score could have become silly. Time and again Joe’s last-gasp tackles and coolness under pressure snuffed out Blue attacks and he capped what was arguably a man of the match performance with the Yellows’ other goal. Gathering the ball inside his own area, Joe steadily and remorselessly advanced through the Blues’ half with the élan and grace of a stately Rolls Royce and unleashed a defiant shot that flew into the top corner. Bravo, Joe.

Other than Tony’s inevitable departure there were few other talking points this week, although we had some customary handball shouts, one of which was given against Steve and one that was not, while Charlie and Andy were responsible for the two occasions on which the ball left the playing arena.

Final score: Yellows 2, Blues 3

To the pub once more then, with Mick bringing along his banjo ahead of a folk gig in north London. Ian, Steve and Alan were all going on a bike ride to Leigh-on-Sea on Saturday and thus only stayed for two, while Simon Gas, Alan and Bristol Paul stayed on to discuss Chelsea’s inevitable League title win. The less said about that, the bietter.

Until Friday, enjoy your week.   

Crushed by the wheels of industry

More fun and games to report on this week, as no fewer than twenty players were slated to do battle at Coram Fields. As luck would have it Nick withdrew – twenty being plenty, and all that – so we had a slightly more manageable nineteen people lining up. 

Here are your two teams – 

Blues: Andy, Paul The Guvnor, Bristol Paul, Simon Ink, Tony, Mario, David, Patrick, Liam and Eventually Yev

Yellows: me, Ian Baggies, Simon Gas, Aussie Tom, Danny, Mick, Peter, Joe and Ross

With Yev arriving fashionably late the teams were eight aside for the first ten minutes or so, but the Yellows could not take advantage of this temporary equilibrium. With Danny starting in nets for the Yellows they were slightly weaker than was perhaps first apparent and after conceding their first goal – David taking advantage of some poor marking to volley home unopposed from a corner - I went in to relieve Danny. (He likes a bit of relieving, does Danny).

The Blues thereafter looked the stronger side, with Patrick and Mario resuming their splendid Big’un and Littl’un partnership and Liam, Tony and Yev all looking to hoover up any sniff of a chance. But with around fifteen minutes gone we lost first Tony, who had been theatrically clearing his throat and complaining about the pollution in the air, and thereafter Ross, for reasons unknown. Clearly, the dark Satanic mills around Bloomsbury were pumping the air full of noxious fumes, with esoteric poets and foreign students alike adding to the toxic atmosphere with their effete intellectual musings and delicately worded stanzas. Something must be done! 

Or perhaps it was just tree pollen?

With Tony collapsing with the black lung and Ross AWOL the game drifted for around five or ten minutes and it was during this woozy interregnum that the Blues took a 2-1 lead. However, the Yellows managed to regroup, spurred on by Mick’s relentless chiding and it was the silver fox himself who got the Yellows on terms with a sensational finish from wide on the right, with the ball screaming into the top corner, deceiving the ‘keeper who was clearly expecting a cross. In fact, it was a trick that he very nearly repeated later in the game, only for David to claw the ball out from under the bar. 

I had another shot come back of the upright this week as I turned and span a left footed effort against the post following a delicate through ball from Mick. As last week’s hat-trick hero Andy cleared the rebound, the ball came loose again in the same passage of play and I managed to squirt a square pass to Danny who shot from outside the area. Peter cleverly opened his knees to let the ball past and with his eight foot seven frame unsighting the goalie the ball calmly nestled into the goal. 

That made it 3-2 to the Yellows and one would have expected the winning team to hold out, but a storming, slaloming run from Patrick took the all the Yellow defenders with him and his runner, Yev, to leave Mario unmarked at the far post to stab home the equaliser. 

The one remaining outstanding chance fell to Mick with literally the last kick of the game, but in attempting to score past David the chance went begging and it ended up three apiece.

To the Skinners, where discussion this week, at least from Mick, David, Simon Ink and myself, focussed on the current general election campaign and the inevitable evisceration of the Labour Party and what hope might remain for progressive politics after June 8th. In amongst this discussion was debate about how Diane Abbot reached the giddy heights of the Shadow Cabinet when she clearly has jam for brains, and what next for this septic isle.

Still, it’ll be Friday soon!

Class finishing

With Simon Gas returned in one piece from North Africa, virtue seemingly intact, it was business as usual at Coram Fields on Friday. Here are your two teams:

Yellows: me, Ian Gooner, Aussie Tom, Simon Ink, Alan, Bristol Paul, Tony, Joe and Liam

Blues: Andy, Ian Baggies, Steve, Simon Gas, Ed, Ross, Danny, Mario and Yev

The Yellow team had the man advantage for the first ten minutes as the Blues awaited the inevitable arrival of the prodigal Yev, but failed to make the best use of this time. The nearest they came was when I thundered a sweet volley following a post-corner melee, but specialist goalkeeper Ed showed why he is the specialist goalkeeper by somehow managing to tip it onto the bar. I had another presentable chance soon afterwards and once again found Ed an unmoveable barrier, although his save was slightly theatrical given my shot was probably drifting wide. Soon afterwards Liam did manage to find a way past the seemingly impregnable Ed as he hit a clever shot into the ground which squirmed under the young keeper.

By this stage in proceedings Tony had vacated nets having conceded the first Yellows goal, although if memory serves he was undone by a very uncharacteristic defensive slip from the usually immaculate Joe, with Mario (?) capitalising. The game thereby continued with neither side going more than one strike ahead; for the Blues, Danny, Mario and Yev enjoyed plenty of possession in midfield, but arguably won the game at the back. Steve returned to action following his antipodean sojourn with no ill-effects from his three week holiday and formed a formidable defensive holding pattern along with Simon and box-to-box Danny.

With either Mario or Yev scoring the Blues second goal, Andy pounced from all of about six inches to make it 3-2 following a rifled centre from Yev. Alan then scored a tremendous headed equaliser, timing his run into the box to perfection and thumping his header down into the ground and beyond the grasp of Ed. 3-3.

With the game beautifully poised, the coup de grace was applied by Andy – twice. Both finishes were rather similar to his first in that he managed to capitalise on some generous defending from the Yellows and exploited space to knock the ball in from close distance following expert approach work from Yev and Mario. Bravo, Andy.

Final score: Blues 5 – Yellows 3

Mercifully little controversy this week, although we really need a seminar on the handball rule, as there are a number of us who appear to be under the illusion that if the ball hits someone’s hand it’s automatically handball. Please see here for a definitive guide.

Onto the pub! Topics under discussion this week ranged from social class and its impact on 1970’s children’s photographs, the patronisation of the arts and crafts by the hyper-rich, Joshua versus Klitschko, government policy on tobacco, alcohol and other substances and the plight of the catering at Wembley stadium.  

So, all in all, a standard Friday night out.