No Mercy

Hello again, everyone – another week, another match report. 

Despite the freezing weather, the high turnouts continue as we lurch feet-first into 2017; here are your teams from last Friday:

Yellows – Simon Gas, Steve, Ian Baggies, Danny, Joe, Mario, Tony, Mark, Paul

Blues – Bristol Paul, Alan, Andy, me, Peter, Liam, Mick, Ross, David

As you can see, nine aside there – it was scheduled to be ten plays nine, but a friend of Peter’s with the somewhat unlikely moniker of ‘Braz’ was a late withdrawal.

Although the overall quality of the ensuing match left something to be desired – Tony opined that it was the “worst game of football” he’d ever played in – it was a close encounter, with just the one goal separating the two teams.

Mario scored what was comfortably the goal of the game, picking up a loose ball around the half-way line and chipping the ball sumptuously high into the night sky where it fell like a stone over the despairing head of whichever schmuck happened to be in goal for the Blues at the time. Mick Alan took a dangerous corner that brushed my head and shoulders before arriving sweetly on Liam’s noggin for the Blues’ first goal. 

In fact, Alan was in sparkling form, both assisting and scoring with ease, with a hand in all four of the Blues’ goals. Liam bagged one more courtesy of Alan, before Liam returned the favour with Alan tidying up and scoring after some nimble footwork from his celtic strike partner.

As for the Yellows’ other goals, Mario (?) capitalised on some loose defensive work from Andy and I believe Tony also troubled the scorers.  

The final score of the evening came after Alan yet more sterling work holding the ball up on the far touchline for yours truly to arrive and pass the ball home from close range with what I think it’s fair to describe as an uncharacteristic calmness. 

Final score: Blues 4 – Yellows 3

The major talking point of the evening was the irritating behaviour of two young scamps who spent at least fifteen minutes rolling around in a homoerotic tryst just inside the touchline before eventually getting bored and moving behind the goal to make fun of the middle aged men playing in front of them. Having been threatened with ejection from the arena they then waited until the ball had gone out (having hit the tree above the goal nearest the Foundling Museum), booted the ball as far away from us as they dare and then ran shrieking like a couple of One Direction fans off down the alleyway immediately behind the pitches to a volley of expletives. 

I appreciate that they were just looking for a reaction from us, but if they appear again next Friday we need to engineer a passage of play that involves Ian Gooner and Andy tussling for the ball and subsequently falling onto the pair of the young wretches. As they then lay squirming on the pitch, their breath becoming shallow and their very life-forces slowly ebbing away, they plaintively open the mouths to scream for help, but in vain, as nothing comes out. The two titans of the Coram Fields game rise very s  l  o   w  l  y to their feet, but too late.  As the whelps start to lose consciousness the last thing they’ll see is Tony leaning over their prone figures, wagging his index finger and calmly explaining that this is an inevitable consequence of Disrespecting The Game. There will be no mercy.

See you on Friday, as Simon regales us with tales of Alpine derring-do and evenings spent demolishing fondue.

Thumbs up for Joe and 2017

Happy New Year to you all and a very warm welcome back to your regular(ish) Friday night football review from the hurly-burly, rough and tumble world of Coram Fields.

Two games to report on as we head feet first into 2017, along with a player of the year award presentation. Firstly, we have the inaugural game of the New Year to reflect on – here were your teams:

Yellows – me, Andy, Nick, Mark, Danny, Joe, Yev (eventually), Steve and Mario

Blues – Ian Gooner, Simon Gas, David, Simon Ink, Tony, Peter, Liam, Alan and Ross

A slow burner this one, with the initial proceedings tempered by a lack of players as people gradually dribbled onto the pitch, with each side eventually evolving into the final line-ups shown above. Simon Ink actually started for the Yellow team – and opened the scoring – before the Morgan Stanley contingent and the perennially tardy Yev arrived. Simon Ink had by this stage reverted to his original colour team and the Blues ran out winners by something like two clear goals, with all of the usual suspects getting in on the scoring, including Alan, (disclaimer: I’m not sure if he did, but I’ve learned to find it politic to state that he’s scored, just in case I’ve missed something). 

Just the odd bit of drama to report on as Nick and Tony exchanged New Year’s pleasantries, no doubt born of being cooped up with recalcitrant family members over the festive period. Who had that last jar of pickled onions?

Joe received his 2016 Ballon D’Or / Golden Plimsoll award in the Skinners after the game to universal acclaim and a series of high fives from some Spanish teenagers. Simon’s largesse had stretched to a bottle of Lanson champagne to mark the occasion – no modish Italian fizz for the Muswell Hillbilly – and much merriment was made, including a discussion of whether or not the CIA would rub out the President-elect this side of the inauguration.

Onto this week’s game, which gave me the slightly difficult task of picking two even teams from an odd number of players. Happily, this proved to be no challenge for the Player Attributes Scoring System, as the final score and general tenor of the match proved. Here’s what said system came up with:

Yellows – Tony, Steve, the prodigal Geoff, Antonio, Nick, Danny, Mario and Liam

Blues – Ian Baggies, Simon Gas, me, Andy, Joe, Mark, Mick, Yev and Ross

As you can see the Blues had the extra man, while the Yellows had the extra ability.

A nine-goal thriller ensued, with Ross opening the scoring in the first few seconds to start the ball rolling on what consensus held to be a very good game. Just the one latecomer this week, with Mick eventually rocking up at around ten past seven, but by this stage the Yellows had levelled things up. Thereafter no one team got more than a goal ahead of their opponents as the lead changed hands several times. 

In amongst the goals this week, as well as Ross (who later scored a fine drilled finish over the ‘keeper’s head) were Mario and Tony, who picked out two excellent finishes into the bottom corners, as well as Steve who nodded home from close range following a corner. Yev also smashed one home as Geoff could only parry with his feet and into the back of the net, but it was Liam who had the final word for the Yellow team.

By the latter stages of the match Antonio, Danny, Mario, Tony and Nick were pinging the ball around to the general dismay of their opposition who I think it’s fair to say lacked the guile to hang onto the ball in midfield, for all of their potency on the break. 

As the game wound down, Antonio handled a backpass and in the ensuing debate as to whether to award an indirect free kick, or rather more sportingly, kick the ball back upfield for a Blue goalkick, Liam decided to stray off script and score a goal, which was quite rightly chalked off.

However, this had the apparent effect of giving the Yellow team an undeserved sense of injustice and just before the final whistle Liam rattled down the Blues’ right hand flank, jinked past Andy and slammed the ball into the bottom corner. 

Final score: Yellows – 5 Blues – 4

I think that it’s right to declare football the real winner, as the late Graham Taylor may well have said.

No pub for me this week, so your report ends there. 

Until next time…