Jocks not away

As the unseasonably mild Autumn / late Summer weather continued, some more players yet to take to the the field this term returned to the fray last Friday, namely the c/Celtic pair of Liam and Mark, (fresh from the hustings, no doubt). 

The Bristolian Chef de Corps selected the following two teams - 

Blues: me, Steve, Liam, Mark, Paul, Yev, specialist goalkeeper Phil

Yellows: Simon Gas, Mario, Daniel, Ian Gooner, Tony, Andy, Danny, Ross

As you can see, there was a distinctly Caledonian feel to the appropriately attired Blue team, with three Scotsman in the seven man side. A bit like Liverpool in the 80’s (with Steve as the Graeme Souness-style enforcer and Liam starring as Kenny Dalglish. I’m seeing Mark as a Steve Nicol box-to-box type). Sadly, that is where the similarity with the all-conquering Scouse side ended.

As is custom, both Tony and Yev were slightly late, with Tony arriving just before the Ukrainian. This incremental arrival of the full roster of players meant a slight bit of jiggery pokery as the Yellows had a momentary two man advantage, with Daniel moved over to the Blues for all of about 15 seconds before Yev finally arrived, scampering across the pitch complete with cycling helmet. 

The Yellows raced into a four goal lead, with the southern European combination of Mario and Daniel combining well and communicating in some sort of romance creole (it may well have been Italian, to be fair), which confused the Blues’ defenders almost as much as their intricate footwork and passing. With Ross joining them up front it made for a very taxing hour’s play; so taxing that I didn’t realise that they actually had an extra man, which explained why Andy kept finding himself unmarked, (much to Liam’s consternation).

In amongst the goals were both Mario and Daniel, with the first goal arriving just before Tony and Yev. Andy smashed in number two from the edge of the ‘D’ and Daniel and/or Mario went on to add two more before the Blues started their impressive comeback. Mark grabbed the first for the Blue team, scoring with a crisp shot from the outside of his right boot; Yev got one from around a yard to the side of the left hand post after Liam had his shot deflected off the ‘keeper and onto the post and Liam grabbed the other two for the Blues. 

Unfortunately at 4-2 down the Yellows scored again, Daniel playing a neat one-two and forcing the ball past Phil in goal from close range, despite my forlorn efforts to stay goalside of him. With the Blues being deficient in the man stakes to the tune of one and staring at a four goal margin, the final score of 5-3 to the Yellows felt like something of a moral victory.

A word must go to Tony, whose convalescence from his Alpine sports injury continues apace – this week he sauntered out of goal and strolled around the back four, alternating between kicking Liam and shouting at people, rather like a splenetic pensioner patrolling his rosebushes for loose footballs left abandoned by the errant boys from down the close.

And once more to the pub, as the incongruously warm weather meant that there were more chairs inside the Skinners than outside. With Ian Gooner calling it a night fairly early on (he’d been up ‘til 3.00 am the previous evening), talk oscillated between the weekend’s football fixtures, terrorism and acts of bravery, Charlie Nicholas and the fallout from the Scottish referendum. 

The final action of the night involved Liam and I trying to avoid talking to a ghastly man from ‘Rhodesia’, (presumably he’d arrived directly from 1975) who was on his way, somewhat surprisingly, to a dub reggae evening at the Scala complete with red, gold and green t-shirt, pre-prepared chumba party pipes and an annoying voice. The dirty bastard turned around to leave the pub and promptly dropped his guts in mine and Liam’s body space – too much biltong, no doubt.

Until Friday….

Better never than late

Our second game of the season was played in a sub-tropical humidity more akin to balmy south east Asia than central London. A slightly lower turn out this week following the start of the season, with Simon Gas selecting the following teams:

Blues – Mario, Simon Ink, Tony (in goal), specialist goalkeeper Phil (not in goal), Ian Baggies, Danny, Dave

Yellows – Simon Gas, Andy, Alex, Alan, Ian Gooner, Steve, me

(No Mick this week – out injured, apparently. A groin strain, no doubt).

The next forty minutes saw a close-fought game, with neither side able to get more than one goal in front. With Potteries maestro Alex (playing his first game of 2014/15) pulling most of the strings for the Yellows, Alan was able to test Tony, also playing his first game since a Winter sports leg break, peppering the Yellows’ goal with a series of shots. I’ll have a go at recalling all the goals, but don’t shoot me if I can’t remember everything. 

I believe that the Yellows took the lead through Alan, before the Blues replied following a bizarre goal by Mario who raced after a ball that looked for all the world as if it was going out, and promptly squared it where it hit Simon on the hands (he was in goal) and dribbled apologetically over the line.

Alex was also on the scoresheet for the Yellows, who were pegged back again when Mario scored following a cross from the right that I was unable to cut out. Steve was also on target with a header and I managed to get a pretty decent goal, bringing down a long pass from Simon Gas with the instep of my right foot and lobbing it past Tony. 

Dave grabbed the fourth equaliser for the Blues with a fierce effort that fizzed into the top left hand corner after Danny had, very typically, pursued a lost cause all the way down the right wing.

With the game very delicately poised at four apiece, Yev then arrived at around twenty to eight. Rebalancing the teams would have been virtually impossible, and Ian Gooner decided that he’d had enough and duly trounced back to the changing rooms. The consensus was that a new game would be the fairest course of action, so Yev joined the Blues while Ian Baggies crossed the Rubicon and joined the Yellows.

An admittedly raggedy fifteen minute game finished 2-1 to the Blues, with Yev getting one of the goals by accelerating inexorably past the hapless full back charged with marking him (me) and Mario getting what turned out to be the winner. Alex got the Yellows goal, which was a fine effort following some characteristically intricate dribbling through the Blues’ ranks and a fierce shot that slammed into the bottom left hand corner. 

So, to conclude, game number one finished Blues 4 - Yellows 4 and game number two ended Blues 2 - Yellows 1. 

Following the game there was the decree of a New Rule: if you turn up after 7.30 pm, you won’t play. End of. Simon Gas has spoken. 

Another good turnout at the pub, with Tony and Ian getting there first. Given the referendum result the night before there was much talk of all things associated with the Union. Among other topics up for discussion were card clash, the Clapton Ultras, Stiff Little Fingers’ first two albums and an impromptu Tinder tutorial from Simon Ink. Purely for research, you understand.

Mystery Woman

And so, it begins again. After a late Summer break that took in the Commonwealth Games, the back end of the cricket season and the sensational revelation that Harry Potter is a Spizzenergi fan, the curtain pulls open once more on the Coram Fields football season.

A very respectable turn-out for the first Friday back saw some eighteen men take to the field. Simon Gas pre-selected the following sides for the inaugural match of the 2014/15 campaign:

Blues – me, Steve, Ian West Brom, Mick, Mick’s son Patrick (once they’d arrived), Nick, Simon Ink, Spizz, 

Yellows – Simon Gas, Bristol Paul, Mario, Yev, Ross, Ian Gooner, Danny, specialist goalkeeper Phil

If those teams look a bit unbalanced, it’s because they were. The first ten minutes of the game were played without Yev, Mick and Patrick, meaning the Blues were two men short – Ian Gooner was duly drafted across to rebalance the teams pending the arrival of the Kavanaghs. Unfortunately, in addition to being a man down the Blues were soon two goals behind, although by the time the perennially late Yev had arrived the score was 2-1 to the Yellows, Simon Ink coming out of goal and grabbing one back.

For the next fifteen minutes or so the game was reasonably even, although given that me and Ian Baggies were trying to mark Yev and Mario the writing was very much on the wall. The turning point in the game came when the Blues tried to play out from the back, with the ball being rolled out to Nick in the left back position. Nick was immediately pressed by the Yellows and ill-advisedly tried to square the ball across the penalty area for Mick on the far side. Sadly, the ball - pumped up, Simon Gas-style, to the point of explosion – slammed into Steve’s solar plexus, winding him, and Danny had the simple task of collecting the ball and passing it into the corner to make it 3-1 to the Yellows.

With Steve’s eyes streaming and his mouth still gasping for air like a salmon on the riverbank, the Blues’ defensive shape went for a Burton and the Yellows rattled in two more goals in quick succession – Mario got both, the first a rifled finish into the corner from wide on the right and the next one a real party piece, as he stopped the ball and then lifted it with his toes up into the air and gently into the goal, serenely gliding in under the bar. From 5-1 down there was no let up.

I believe Mario went on to score around nine goals, although Yev was also involved; one of his goals was a fierce effort that went under two defenders and away from Ian in nets. I can’t remember too much about the others. Ian Gooner - taking up what might be charitably called the goal hanging position – was also on the scoresheet, as was Danny, who scored from a tight angle late on when it looked as if the ball had gone out from a corner.

Simon Ink did score two more for the Blues, one of them a fine goal following a mazy run direct from one of thirteen separate restarts. The ending was a blessed relief, with none of the machinations which marked the end of the 13/14 campaign as another group of footballers took to the field at 8.00 pm precisely. Danny managed to lose a ball with a shanked shot that cleared both the fence and the wall of the chapel directly behind the goal, while Spizz also managed to clear the perimeter fence at the death. 

Final score: Yellows 13 (Thirteen), Blues 3

A relatively balmy London night saw a decent turn out of al fresco drinkers at the Skinners Arms. There was much talk of the possibility of Caledonian secession from the union – the consensus seeming to be that this would be a Bad Thing – and Spizz was hawking his latest single (available on very fetching clear red vinyl – for the eye watering price of £6, or £7 for a signed copy. Ian Gooner duly grabbed one for his brother. Bargain.

In other news, the pretty Polish barmaid has, tragically, got engaged to an Australian. And as the evening grew old, a lone German lady washed up outside the pub, perplexingly unable of entering what is, let’s face it, a very respectable establishment without reassurance that nothing untoward lay within. Mick gallantly leapt into action, and as the number of players enjoying a post-match pint dwindled Mick remained steadfastly in his chair, chatting away to the Fraulein about all matters Teutonic, sharing tales of Dusseldorf. If he was making romantic overtures any success would be all the more remarkable for the fact he hadn’t showered after the game and was happily ploughing through the pints clad entirely in a virginal white football kit.

A full report – a post post-match report, if you will – should be available next week. Until then…