Sunday 20 July 2014

A damn good porking

And so we reach the end of another football season, as 2013-2014 beings to dissolve from plain view into the golden hindsight of the metaphorical rear view mirror. And what a season, both at Coram Fields and beyond. Manchester United making an unholy mess of their first post-Fergie season. Tony breaking a leg skiing. Athletico Madrid upsetting the big two in Spain. Ian and Nick nearly coming to blows. Arsenal winning a trophy. Simon Gas winning a permanent 7.00 pm kick off time. Germany winning their first World Cup since reunification in 1990. Yev turning up on time. Oh, hang on....

Friday night saw some of the hottest temperatures I’ve ever exercised that vigorously in since Glastonbury 1992. Simon’s final two team selections of the season were as follows:

Yellows: Alex, Khalid, Yev, Steve, Mark, Simon Ink, Daniel, Alan

Blues: me, Simon Gas, Mario, Ross, Spizz, Danny, Will

With the ambient temperature still way over 25 degrees I personally felt as if a) my legs were made of lead and b) my brain was about to catch fire. Happily, the searing heat didn’t seem to affect everyone else to the same extent, as there was a surprisingly fast pace to proceedings and a generally high standard of play. Steve opened the scoring for the Yellows via a header from a perfectly placed corner, after I’d managed to keep out his initial shot. Of the two goals that the Blues scored I know that Danny got one, I think it was the first, as he came out of goal and slalomed past various defenders on the right before finishing from a tight angle. That’s certainly what it looked like to me, although I was about 50 yards away attempting vainly to get my breath back. 

The Yellows’ other goal was a penalty, awarded by Simon for someone pushing someone else. Again, I’ve no idea who. Spizz, hero of this blog and post-punk Star Trek fans the world over, did the rest. (Just). Simon has clearly been to Specsavers this week as he chalked off a goal for the Blues for handball. Once again I’ll plead the Wenger amendment, but in my defence I had just taken a ball to the nose from a distance of about three yards as Yev span and volleyed the ball straight at my schnoz. He said afterwards that he wasn’t aiming for it, which is kind. 

The Blues’ second goal did come from another effort from Yev as he outmuscled someone or other and powered the ball past Simon Gas in nets and into the far top corner.

By my reckoning that was the final score – i.e. 2-2 – but we once more played on well past the 8.00 pm cut-off time and Steve got another headed goal from a corner at around 8.05. I think for next season we need some clearer boundaries about scoring past eight ‘o’ clock; by all means play on if no-one else is coming on, but when you’ve played forty minutes with a man less than the opposition in sizzling heat it’s a bit much to be accused of whining when you point out that the game is supposed to take an hour - not 70 minutes, 80, or even 90. 

As one of the Coram Fields staff beckoned us to come back in to the changing rooms, which appear to have been swapped for a set of Turkish Showers, Alan ‘scored’ another ‘goal’ from a corner, although Simon had already started to leave the field of play by this stage, so he tapped into an unguarded net. As such, I’m saying it doesn’t count. 

Final score: 2-2, or 3-2  to the Blues, depending on your allegiance. (Or 4-2, if you're Alan).

A veritable smorgasbord of processed pork products (how’s that for alliteration?) awaited us at the Skinners, with a tray of pork pies, some sandwiches (mainly ham) and not one, but two plates of sausage rolls laying in the reserved section at the rear of the pub. Only a token tray of Chicken Satay, (or Goujons, if you’re Simon), was there to represent the other meats available.

Topics under discussion included £10 flights to Donetsk, (one way), Summer transfer activity, Summer holiday activity, reviews of the season and Yev’s prospective tour of East Anglia and the low countries via push bike. The first leg is on August 9th and takes him from Epping Forest to Harwich, in case people are interested. 

And as the pub awning withdrew and advanced like a man with brewer’s droop in the late night rain, all that was left was to raise a glass to another successful season of Being Active And Staying Away from The Pub until 8.30 pm. See you all on September 12th. Have a great Summer.

Friday 18 July 2014

Of time, cycling and high Summer...




The penultimate Friday of the 2013-2014 Coram Fields football season saw my first game in two weeks, following an illness and Black Sabbath-related hiatus, and a very enjoyable six-all draw. Apparently I missed a mild contretemps the other week; it seems that it’s always when I’m not around that these fracas occur. 

Although it was nearly a week ago now, I’ll take advantage of a rare day off to try and recall what happened last Friday

Simon’s two teams were roughly as follows:

Yellows: Andy, Chris, Yev, me, Nick, Mario, Simon Ink

Blues: Liam, Alan, Mick, Daniel, Bristol Paul, Danny, Simon Gas, Ian Gooner

There were some twelve goals to report, so I’ll have a bash at remembering at least some of the action. Liam and Alan formed a highly potent two-man front line for the Blues, although they were stymied to some extent by the careful marshalling of Chris in defence and in the crude yet effective defensive style employed by Andy. Yev’s tardy arrival did lend the Yellows greater bite in attack and the Yellows’ game play revolved around trying to get the aforementioned Ukrainian and the Genoese Mario into the game as much as possible. Along with Nick and Simon Ink, they both got on the scoresheet, as the Yellows came from behind to equalise at 5-5 and then take the lead. 

For the Blues, as well as the celtic forward line of Alan and Liam, Ian lurked dangerously wide on the left as he sought to arc his shots into the far corner, while Mick had an effective  (and productive game). There was also that rare thing, a Simon Gas goal, struck unerringly with (what else?) his favoured left peg. The most memorable piece of play came when Nick handled the ball to prevent a cross from reaching its target and the Blues played an advantage as Mick proved that cheaters never prosper by scoring.

As no-one was due to come on after us, we had the luxury of playing on. And on. And on, until around twenty past eight when Chris had to leave to catch a train and Andy had to leave to catch the pub, while Simon Gas had to leave to let them both into the changing rooms. This left Yev apoplectic with rage, as he was incensed that anyone should do anything as unmanly as leave the pitch after an hour and twenty minutes in mid-Summer heat. As more than one person pointed out, if he’d arrived on time – he and Alan both arrived at around 7.20 – he might have felt more content to call it a day with the score at six apiece.  

And so to the Skinners, where Ian, Yev and Simon Ink planned their Saturday morning bike ride from Liverpool Street to Southend-on-Sea, cycling through the places of my childhood. Despite saying several times that they’d have to leave as they needed to be up early the next morning, the majority of the cyclists stayed on until around 10.00 pm, desperately trying to recruit more members to their ranks. I hope Saturday morning wasn’t too painful.

And in a few hours’ time, we play for the final time this term in what absolutely, definitely counts as a Heatwave. I’m predicting a slow-paced game, with plenty of drinks breaks. Oh, and apparently there’s sandwiches in the pub afterwards. Here comes the Summer....